So I’ve been in this 5 year relationship with this girl (a some what emotionally abusive and controlling one) met her in year 8, but then she broke up with me , and I got into this huge depression which almost made me fail all my high school classes but my friends supported me and made me push through. But I met a dude that I’ve known since year 8 and he’s been crushing on me since then , I then hooked up with him to help lose his virginity, and also using him as a rebound as a coping mechanism to distract myself from the pain of the other relationship I lost. Omg when I first started to know him he was so bloody annoying I couldn’t stand him. But I was lonely and so was he. We then started to date , I only said yes because he nagged about how sex didn’t feel better because we weren’t together. And his personality and life style was so shit then , I deeply hated him but cared so much about this person (maybe also out of pity) maybe because I needed to look after someone like I did in my last relationship, but I never bothered to care about myself . It deeply hurt me when I was giving so much in the relationship and he didn’t bother to do anything back, like in the other bloody relationship, I never felt so lonely with this person. But after the break up he started to improve not perfect but way better then he was then, I still occasionally hook up with him, but I can’t deal with committing to a relationship with him. I get so lonely and so does he. I feel like what I’m doing is so bad for me but I enjoy spending time with him and looking after him because then he learns slowly and returns the favour. When I first met him he rushed into the relationship so fast and moved so fast , it’s so hard for me to say “I love you” to anyone I show that love through my actions what I sacrifice to give to that person and those two relationships never noticed that. But on the day I broke up with him I explained everything and he understood. He’s different but yet the same person but better. He was always there for me when no one answered. He’s a bloody idiot at times but he’s sweet.

I seriously don’t know what to do with my relationship with this guy.... should I date him when the time is right?.... because I want to date I deeply enjoy giving affection and love onto a person all to myself, it’s what I miss the most.... but I’m so afraid to date now. I feel like we are kinda a couple with the amount of times I text and sleepover with him , we cuddle and kiss. I even went over with no intentions of having sex....I’ve never done that before. I just wanted that similar feeling of love and being loved....because I miss it so much.....

I tried having sex or talking to other people, I always cried afterwards. It didn’t feel good. Maybe I’m just so emotionally attached to this one dude after the time I spent with him , it was already hard enough to get away from my ex girlfriend.

I have this stupid saying “I’ll stay until you hate me” , and oh boy the hurtful things she said and did to me , which made me leave from her sight for good, but this guy loves me and will never leave my side.....and it hurts because it’s so hard for me to love someone.....

What do I do?.....

Thanks for reading.