It’s over

Acacia • God is good, 4 years of trying! Had my son 28/5/21 • 12.5.15 ❤️ • ♒️

I’m drained an depressed and emotionally tired of this roller coaster! I’m good at managing myself to not get my hopes up and to remember I can start trying again when I’m ready.

But every time I finally get my mind back on track ... AUNT FLOW DECIDES TO BE HELLA LATE! and I waste pregnancy test after pregnancy tests and they are always NEGATIVE!

My body really is cruel! We have been trying to conceive our first .. ever... baby for 2.9 years now! And I feel it’s just ridiculous! We are both healthy and in our 20’s we don’t smoke or drink or anything.. so why’s it taking this long!

I have gained a lot of weight recently and noticed when I lost weight the first time.. my periods started to regulate. But now I’m so much bigger than I was an my periods have gone whack again! I decided to give up trying an Focus on loosing weight an sorting out my anxiety issue first.

I also went on medication I’m on Sertraline..

I read that it can mess up your periods.. an when I saw that I just KNEW I was going to be one of those people with all over the place periods.

SURE ENOUGH!!!!

AUNT FLOW WANTS TO NOT VISIT AT ALL THIS MONTH!! THE BITCH IS LATE BY 20 DAY AND IM ON CYCLE DAY 50 BLOODY 5 “55” !!!!!!!!

I have never missed a period before, and ive never been 20 days late before.. so what starts to happen now?? My brain thinks “oh you’re pregnant” “I’ve got to be pregnant” “maybe it’s our time now?” I took a test around 9 days late and it was

NEGATIVE!

I finally got it in my head again “you’re over thinking.. you’re not pregnant” “it’s been over two years why would you be pregnant now” “what a joke” and it was good it was good till I started to realise I’m over two weeks late... and the mind took over again.

I did a silly thing and ..

Went cold turkey on my pills.

I was worried it will affect my periods.. yeno for someone who wants a baby so DESPERATELY I don’t want to take any risk of messing up my periods.

It’s day 54.. since my last period an I’m late by 19 days and my mother decides to drop off a pregnancy test for me.. again.. I was to scared to take it so I never got myself another one.. I was so scared to be let down! I got it in my head that I was too late NOT to be pregnant? So I took my clear blue test..

NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! NEGATIVE! BFFN!!!!!!!!!!!

I pulled my self together out of the toilet an told my family again.... I’m not pregnant.

With all my pride acting like it doesn’t faze me.. like I didn’t care it was negative AGAIN!

Took myself to my bedroom and tried not to cry..

I had to go pick my partner up from work an he asked me how did the test go? One of the other worst pains to feel is having to tell your excited partner the you’re “not pregnant” again.. he really thought I was an got his little hopes up again.. I try an say to him “please don’t get your hopes up babe I know I won’t be an I don’t want you to get let down” but he always does. And it sucks!

My mother told me she skipped a period twice when she put on weight..

So now I’m going to pull myself together again...

Start trying to loose weight.. stay off meds, meditate an stay calm, detox my body, start getting healthier an get me an my partner on some supplements that help our egg an sperm an cm an all that, start taking vitamins an just look after myself an have a break from ACTUALLY trying (and stick to it) and get us healthy and happy again.. until we try again.

Getting fit an loosing weight is going to be the hardest thing ever so (if you made it this far reading and you have some tips? That would be awesome!)

Thankyou for reading it this far?

After having a little cry in the car when I picked my partner up from work an meditating telling myself it’s okay.. I’m going to take care of myself now.. I’ll probably stay off glow for a while too an use a different <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">period tracker</a>.. one where I don’t have to look at woman getting there BFP everyday.. it’s hard enough when both my best friends are pregnant having their kids soon an all of my partners 5 siblings are having MORE an MORE kids while me an my partner can’t even get one fertilised EGG!

Glows been a great journey but now it’s time to love ya an leave ya for a bit.. I’ll be back but it’s time to leave..

Thankyou everyone!

Farewell 👋🏼❤️