I just need to vent 😔

(Long post please be kind)

I feel so unhappy these last couple of days. Truly I shouldn’t feel this way cause I am healthy and maybe I don’t have everything I want, but I have everything I need. That’s important anyways. All my life (im 34 now) I’ve had a feeling and a vision of how I wanted my life to be, but I buried those thoughts to create a more “realistic” lifestyle. Most of my decisions were made or not made because of fear and never because of love. I’ve made a decision finally for myself, that’s not the most or best decision I’ve made but, I’m finally taking a risk out of love to follow my dreams and live a life of passion just how I always imagined. I was always an undercover go getter, but fear had me paralyzed. But now that I’ve finally woken up inside, my husband upsets me so much. He’s a hard worker don’t get me wrong, but, he’s definitely not a go getter, he’s not a dreamer like me.

There’s just so many things that I’ve always noticed but tried to ignore but it’s getting hard to lately. He loves me so much and I can see it in his eyes he loves me like no other. But he’s lazy at life (not work wise) just in life. Example he’s never tried to do something romantic for us like I have. He’s never went out his way to try to get me those one shoes I’ve been looking and wanting for months or whatever i want like I have for him. When something is wrong he doesn’t fight for us like I have. He doesn’t reach out to me when I’ve been out the house for hours and he doesn’t know where I am on his own like I do cause I worry. He does it now cause I asked him if he cared at all or worried when I am out alone till midnight sometimes. He can go weeks without sex and never once seek me for intimacy unless I initiate things. He can sit for hours on his phone watching nonsense or tv and not once try to have hang out and have a conversation with me like I do with him. His attitude stinks he’s stubborn and gets upset easily when I keep it real with him about things even if it’s a calm situation he just can’t handle it. It’s crazy cause we don’t even fight he touches me always and plays around with me (in a sexual way) he flirts and is ALWAYS telling me how much he loves me, he gives me massages almost daily but— it feels like we are just roommates that cuddle and sometimes have sex.

I question my love for him almost daily and it hurts that I do that 😔 and now I’m not sure if I will ever fight for us again to make this work.

I’m feeling lost right now.

Forgot to mention. Maybe it’s the moment of how I’m feeling right now. But I am not sure if I want to continue ttcing? I want a baby so bad but I am not sure if it’s the right time anymore. 😢

UPDATE*****

So I went ahead and had a heart to heart with him at first he wasn’t liking what I had to say but I further explained why I felt the way I do and he understood. What’s crazy is that he’s been feeling like the magic has been gone for a while between us both and he expressed his concerns and his reasons why it is the way it is. Unfortunately for me a lot of it has to do with me 😬. See what’s happened is that I’ve been gaining weight and im uncomfortable going out sometimes and I make every excuse in the book to avoid going out in public like 98% of the time. And another reason is that I have a fur baby who I am attached to 😩 and it’s hard leaving her alone cause I worry and that’s caused a lot of frustration and lack of intimacy or spark between us. And I realized it’s not just him. A lot has to do with me too. So I have to work that out of me and put the romance back in our lives. I realized I love this man with all my heart and I want us to be more in love.