(This might be long)

This is a very emotional topic for me but if I don’t get it out I’m going to cry myself back to sleep again. Since I was 6 years old I have pulled my head hair out from the roots. I suffer from Trichotillomania. I am 18 now and I only found out the name of my disorder 2 years ago.

I remember when I was FIRST aware of my pulling. I was 6 years old sitting on the couch pulling when I heard my grandma who lived with us at the time tell my mother that while she was cleaning she found a BIG clump of hair behind the couches. I immediately knew it was from me and I remembered feeling scared embarrassed and ashamed about myself, at 6 years old. My mom eventually found out and took me to the doctor. The doctor said I pulled my hair out and I was fine so we went home. My mom was of course mad at me.

I don’t hold anything against my mother even after She’s yelled at me, made me cry and smacked me over it but at that time we didn’t know what it was. We didn’t know it was an uncontrollable disorder.

Pulling your hair out may seem like it’s not a very big issue but it has ruined my life. It causes me to stay home when there is a gathering or go shopping. I barley leave the house because I find myself so ugly. Most of the time I’m disgusted with how I look. I shaved my head with a razor after a very bad pull. Cutting hair isn’t the same as pulling the root. It took over 90 days for my hair to grow back to normal. But in those 90 days I was not pull free. I lost my eyelashes in that battle

There are some small spots that won’t ever grow back. I’ve been watching them for 5 years, they are completely gone forever.

This picture was taken just now 👇🏻 I pulled them a month ago. They haven’t grown back. They could either be traumatized or this could be it, no more eyelashes.

After I work so hard for my hair I destroy it because I’m stressed bored sad or angry.

2 in 50 people will struggle with this soul crushing disorder. 1 in 10 will be a man. In 2013 4% if the whole population suffered from trichotillomania. 2.5 million people in America alone. The problem with these statistics is that many people either don’t know about this disorder or are in denial of it.

My main pull sights are: My head, my eyelashes, my pubic area, and my legs, and I shave all of those. I don’t touch my eyebrows or my nose. Trich is a coping mechanism for stress anger sadness or boredom. And I simply don’t get anything from pulling those two spots.

I was able to grow my hair for two years in my life. It got to a little passed shoulder length. But in those two years I cut myself. When I get depressed I don’t want to pull because it doesn’t comfort me, I’d rather die. I can either be suicidal with beautiful hair or I can be happy with bald spots or a shaved head.

The worst thing you could tell a trickster is “Just stop pulling.” And if you ask “So why do you pull your hair out.” We will say we don’t know exactly why.

My dad still things it’s in my head. I heard him talking to my mom a few weeks ago and he said “So she’s pulling her hair out again, what’s wrong with her? Is she crazy?” I still cry about it because my dad just keeps saying it’s in my head and I’m over reacting about it

I currently wear wigs because I’m sooooo embarrassed to leave the house.

But it also upsets me that I can’t just wake up in the morning and go. I have to wear a wig and put on make up to hide the damage I’ve done to myself. I don’t leave the house without a cover or my wig.

Things that help me:

Fake nails so I’m unable to grab the hair

Wigs so I feel better about myself

Vitamins and biotin pills every day

A razor so my hair grows back the same length

Bandaids when I’m too broke to get fake nails

Sexy clothes so I feel sexy and beautiful for my husband in our bedroom

Trichotillomania has ruined my life and my self image. So please someone explain to me how Trich isn’t real. How if they had it they could handle it better than me. (I’ve had people tell me that it doesn’t sound very hard to deal with) it’s like a life long smoker trying to quit. They will always need another cigarette and there will always be just one more.