Pushing away... and then crying

I hate this. I hate myself. Always the same things. Why not be normal? Why not just sit it out for ONCE. Getting close only to push them away. Do I subconsciously like this? Why so many tears?

I said to him “we shouldn’t get in contact anymore except when necessary”

He said “Ok, alright”

I couldn’t finish my workout. I crawled straight into bed crying my heart out... this pain is so fuckin real and won’t go away. Why do I do this to myself and others. No wonder I have zero friends. I deserve this.