Lost.. I had to get it off my chest

2 stories:

1. This guy (who at the time I didn’t really know junior year) kept giving me signs that he liked me but never told me..and then he dated on of my best friends (beginning of senior year) but they never worked out. And they are sorta friends now. Then he immaturely told his ex (my bestie) that he liked me. I told him to back off (well my bestie was crying..I told her I wouldn’t pursue it..even though they weren’t a serious couple at the time they were dating) he got the message and continued on his way dating another girl. He and I still remained friends. In fact he’s now my best friend who I tell everything too. (My girl bestie knew he and I were getting close and she said it was okay to be friends with him) (middle of senior year). So it’s the new season. And she saw how close I was to him. She actually suggested we would make a cute couple. So I guess that’s sorta approval? After she said that. I haven’t been looking at him the same friendly way. Like I’ve been sorta crushing on him. And I knew he liked me before so maybe there’s a slight possibility. And he’s good with my family. He earned my moms trust (which is a big deal. The only downfall is mom doesn’t see us “working out” as a couple. There’s a weird height difference.. I’m a bit taller than he is. But when hanging out I don’t notice. He can be an anti-social and very quiet, but you just have to get to know him when he gets loud and funny. But then I find out he has a crush on a younger, shorter girl, he met on snap. Who doesn’t live in the same state. I’ve been sorta jealous but I’ve always shown my support. Then ever since I found out I had a sorta crush on him, I have had multiple dreams in my sleep bout us being a couple. Then I wake up and I’d tell him about them. Naturally, I’d say to him oh that’s just because we spend a lot of our time together. Which is true, and it might be because of that. One day I had the courage to say that I started to ‘like’ him. And he said, Ik I picked up on some of the signs. And then he asks “what would others think of us dating” I kept saying idk.. and I kinda feel rejected. (Sorry this is probably lame)—(he’s still my best friend. And my old bestie-his ex-well we aren’t as close anymore-not because of him, but she just kinda cut me off.. and I’m not entirely sure why-but that’s a different story)

2. So after all that happened I’ve moved on and I was just living life. No guys to talk to. Almost all my friend are in college now, living everywhere else. Then I get a message from an old friend. I’ve known him when I was a sophomore and he was senior. He didn’t have a very good reputation in high school. But I was always nice to him, cos apparently I’m just nice to everyone. And he would always make these dirty jokes. And I would swerve the conversation because I never liked to joke around like that. He’s in the navy now so he’s off doing his job and all. And occasionally he will think of me and text me like “hey beautiful what are you up to ?” And I answer with whatever I’m doing. He will ask to FaceTime and when we do, sometimes he rambles on about his girl troubles or amazing sex stories and me being me, I just nod my head and continue on a different subject. But then he goes back to the last dirty conversation, and he’s like sorry I don’t mean to be dirty with you. I say it’s okay let’s move on. Sometimes he’s really sweet and doesn’t even mention any sex-related topics..just recently I texted him and I said so I sorta might like you. And he’s like for how long? And I’ve said well probably for a year but I’ve always talked myself out of it. And he’s like ya I was an idiot in highschool. And I was like yea you were. And he said, well I’ve changed. (Which is sorta true..I don’t see it yet..but I think he is trying to work on it) but then he goes on to say, “I don’t mean to be dirty in any kind of way, but I would love to kiss you and pleasure you.” And makes it clear he didn’t want to be dirty about it. And I’m like thanks? But that was wayyy to soon for me to hear after I just admitted my feelings. I’m not good at the whole feelings part as I sometimes portray to be. And then he started to get really personal and started asking what’s my body like so he knows, do I masterbate (which I don’t). And I’m like okay this is ridiculous, I’m already starting to talk myself out of this already.... then the next night comes along, and he stupidly gets a little tipsy and starts texting me. I knew he was drinking but I just played around with His dirtiness. Its whatever. And I never drink. I’ve tried it and I didn’t like it. I stupidly asked why he enjoyed it so much. I wasn’t trying to be rude about it. I was curious and knowing him for so long I thought he wouldn’t mind. He started to get angry, and I didnt know what to do so I was starting to get sad because of something he personally said to me. I told him that, he said don’t take anything seriously when he’s drinking. I usually don’t but what he said to me hit me to the core. And there was this big fight, we both are to blame for it. (This was just a few nights ago) . And he says he forgives me but I don’t believe him. And I feel rejected again. And I think I just talked myself out of liking him again. He asked if I wanted to cut him off, Bc I didn’t need to talk to him. One little fight isn’t gonna get rid of a friendship. I told him no. So I guess we are still friends?

After all that. I still feel like I’m lonely. And I have a lot of guy friends who aren’t interested in being more than friends with me. I see all these couples and people meeting new people. And I feel a little left out. I’m not in college. And I don’t quite have a steady job yet. I have odd jobs. But yea I don’t know what I’m doing.

Anyway, Thankyou so much for those who read Alll of that drama. 💖That has been jumbled up inside me and I had to let it out.