Or got excited..or let this feel too real. See, I've wanted a baby since before I really even should have. While everyone in highschool focused on highschool things, I was excited to graduate and go to my dental program that would let me graduate quickly so that I could go ahead and focus on what I REALLY wanted- to start a family. I've known my husband since middle school, dated all throughout highschool, so you guessed it. After I graduated, we got married!

Although...we were trying to get pregnant before getting married, it didn't happen. I was frustrated because I always thought it was easy. School made it seem like you could look at a boy hard enough and get pregnant. Not in our case. It took 7 months. At the time I felt like that was forever. We found out the day after I missed my period on our honeymoon! Oh the tears, and the overwhelming happiness!!! My dream was coming true. I bought books to read, and followed along with baby's growth, joined groups... I was getting ready! My first ultrasound came along...and since I hadn't had any symptoms, and had some spotting, I had begun to worry. I felt something was wrong. When my OB explained to me what a blighted ovum was, my world crashed. I think it goes without saying, we were crushed.. I became bitter and jealous of other pregnant women. One thing I can say is through all of that, I came closer to God. Believer or not, He was my rock. He healed me and a couple years later, my heart healed. I wasn't bitter anymore and focused on the life I had. Over those two years, we tried harder and harder, and by that I mean, I bought bulk in opks and pregnancy tests, charted bbt, took prenatals, changed my diet, got exercise, (am i missing anything?) I did all I could. It took so much out of me. All the failure..trying so hard..sex wasn't fun anymore. I could tell hubby wasn't down for scheduled sex. He wanted a baby but he was tired too and I couldnt blame him. We had a talk and decided to stop trying. He tried to talk me out of it a wee later because he knew that me bringing that decision to him, was another part of my heart that was broken. I insisted that we just give it a break. I stopped peeing on sticks, I stopped tracking, I stopped poping prenatals. I ate what I wanted and I was happy. A part of me got excited when I realized I was happy because we took a break because I thought, "that's when this usually happens! Everyone said stop trying and it will happen!" I knew any day now it would happen. 5 months later, it still had not happened. Again, I felt defeated. By this point I was convinced that I had some sort of condition that wouldn't allow me to get pregnant again. My mind eventually moved on and focused on other things, things I didn't realllly care about but hey I had to do what I had to do. We were planning a move. A major move actually. Me my husband and my parents all decided to move two states away to a better area. (Our area was very high in crime)

I had joked to my family that this would be the month I got pregnant because it would be the most inconvenient time EVER. I was suppose to help my family move after all...two houses had to be packed, moved, and unpacked! A mere week before we ship out, and just six days until my next period I decided to test. I knew I was going to be lifting. I knew it would be negative, not only because I'M NOT PREGNANT but because it was 6 days before my period (which tended to be late anyways- who knew when it would actually show up). So I took the test before I jumped in the shower. I laid the test down and began to undress for the shower. I knew I'd look over, it'd be negative and I could just jump in the shower immediately. I was so conditioned to just glancing and trashing these tests. I glanced over and thought I saw something. Yeah. Like I have a million times. Thought I saw something and immediately rushed it into natural light. Just to be disappointed. This time was different. I didn't need to take it into natural light. It was THERE. I took it to my window anyways and stared. Soon the test became a large blur, I couldn't see...thanks to the tears in my eyes. I ran back to the bathroom that was not steamy and fogging the entire room and looked for one of my "real deal tests" (frer lol) like i wild animal and dipped it into my special cup. The clock on the test kept flashing and time went on forever...but there it was clear as day... YES +. I couldn't believe it. And it would be THIS month. I didn't care though... I was PREGNANT!

As soon as the joy sank in, so did the fear. Rainbow babies are a miracle but also a mother's biggest fear. If you've been here, you know what I felt. I still had a whole week until my period...something could definitely go wrong. I told my husband and mom cautiously the news. Laughs and crys were shared, all the while I knew they felt what I felt.

Bathroom trips became my most dreaded time of day..and then usually followed by happiness. What I mean is, every wipe that came back clear was a happy trip. I never had a bad trip, even to this moment. This move has been very stressful and at times I've worried for this baby. At a particular point in time, I was really worried because of a very stressful situation I had been put in the day before, so I booked a private scan at 8w3d. My heart pounded to even pull up in the parking lot. From that point to the point I walked out was a blissful blur. Not only was the baby there, but we saw the heartbeat, got amazing pictures, and even saw him move around a bit.

Today I am 10 weeks. At this point last pregnancy I was receiving horrible news..taking pills I NEVER want to see again... This time, I'm writing this. Mostly for me to bookmark and read another time but also for all you ladies, if you've made it this far lol, to know you're not alone. Because once you get pregnant, that struggle doesn't stop. As a mom, that worry...it never stops. 10 weeks makes me pretty happy but I know it could still go all wrong. That's where my faith comes in...and hope. Ladies, when others say, it'll happen when you stop trying.. they are lying! Lol What they mean to say is...it will happen when you least expect it or when it's meant to happen. I always hated hearing that dumb phrase. "iTlL HaPpEn WhEn ItS mEaNt To HaPpEn" but it did. We're in a safe area, getting good healthcare, and whatever else I was suppose to have right now.

It wasn't my body that was broken, it just wasn't time, until now. If you've made it this far, thank you for reading, and if you like post a date in your life that something major happened (for anything) and remember there will be another major date in your life. That's what's important, these major moments in life...and the little ones too. Take a break for awhile if you want but never..give up!

Major dates in my life 4-13-1996 & 4-5-10 & 10-31-13 & 9-8-16 & 8-1-19