Always a Nanny, Never a Mom.

summer • New Years Babe On The Way

I’m struggling. When I looked at my life four years ago I was getting married to my middle school sweetheart who wanted three of the seven children that I wanted. We grew up together and I knew that he was the one for me. What I didn’t know was that I was not the one for him. Eventually he cheated on me in which I stayed with him because we were in love. But my love was longer, and my faith was stronger, and my commitment meant more and my vow never left my side. We talked about starting our family there were times when we said yes let’s try for a baby. One day, a few months ago I missed my period and I was crying for joy. I grabbed four pregnancy tests: took one too early, one on time, and one late but they were negative. My body acted as if I was pregnant, do I even bother taking number four? I didn’t. When I told my husband he said, “Thank God that was a close one.” That was one of the saddest days, but what topped it was when he told me he wanted a divorce because he hated marriage, he wasn’t in love with me, he wasn’t as attracted to me, he wanted to be with other people, but of course he wanted to be my friend. I thought I was becoming a mom, I thought that my life’s dream was coming true. We got divorced and we are not friends but we are cordial when necessary. I’m seeing someone new, he has the loveliest five-year-old boy. I love both of them to death. My friends are moms, my boyfriend is a dad, but I am a nanny. I have been a nanny for 10 years and I don’t know how much longer I can do it because it pains my heart to have none of my own. Of course I have my boyfriend’s son, but I will never be his mommy. I am struggling with accepting that I am starting over. My life is new and I love it so much better but it’s hard to wait. He wants 7/7 of my children and I am blessed with that.