I struggle to write this. Because I don’t want to admit that my marriage is failing.

Infact. I’m failing. I am not coping. Everything feels to hard. My one year old is so demanding and I feel tired all.of.the.time.

My sexlife is obsolete. I have no drive whatsoever and it’s affecting my relationship in a huge way.

I know I should just “have sex with him” but it’s much easier said than done. Because 1) I am litterally so exhausted all of the time that when I am asked to have sex.. I feel like someone asked me to chop off my own arm.

And

2) because it has been like this for over a year now... it almost feels like it’s to far gone. When I try to come on to him to make an effort.. he makes negative comments about how “I don’t even really want to” which.. he’s right. I don’t. But he makes it a lot harder to “want” to when he’s so damn negative. I feel shut down and embarrassed.

This is my fault.. I should have never let this get how it is.

But my life has been a roller coaster this past year.

Having a new baby. Going back to work (with the baby) when he was 3weeks old. Moving 12 hours away from my family or any support network. (Not that my family are a great support network)

A miscarriage, an ectopic.

Ugh. The list goes on.

I’m lost. I don’t know who I am. Other than a Mum and a wife. I go Through the motions everyday and everyday feels harder and harder.. like I might explode. The weight of life feels so heavy. :(

I cook, clean, take care of the baby and at the end of the day I just want to go to sleep.

My husband and I make no time for eachother. We’ve lost that connection we once had and I don’t know how to fix it.

I wish I could fix it so badly. But honestly. I am stuck in a massive rut.

I’m 8weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and I feel like I won’t cope. I already am not coping. Ugh.

I want to close my eyes and dissapear.

Maybe I should just leave but I don’t want to, I’m not ready to give up.

Honestly though. If I did.. it’s gotten to a point in our relationship that I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t even try and stop me. And it absolutely terrifies me because I don’t want to admit that this is probably the end.