Long post.

Hey all. My mom passed away 6/16/15. She had a 10 year long battle with bone marrow cancer. She was 62 when she passed.

She was my best friend and cheerleader and hair the best person ever. I know most people say that about their loved ones, but she was literally the best. She was basically a saint. If I can turn out to be half as good as her pinky, I would consider myself blessed.

Short backstory, My husband and I 24 have been TTC for about 2-3 months now, and I have 3 older siblings who are all trying, as well.

My oldest brother 41 and his wife just announced that they’re pregnant, on the first try. My second brother 35 and his wife have 2 beautiful kids and I’m pretty sure they’re trying soon. My sister 29 and her husband having been trying for the past 6 months or so.

I am supposed to get my period today/tomorrow, but the two weeks from ovulation have been so anxiety-filled. I tested yesterday and his morning and, sadly, it’s negative.

I’ve been dreaming about my mom the past 2 nights. I am so emotional and man, I just miss her. I would trade anything in the world to hug her or see her again. I have been such a mess lately and part of me is hoping that I am pregnant so that I can explain all these emotions. I think about her everyday. I wish I could ask her about everything. I wish she left a manual or something for me to reference to when I need her most. I’m just so overwhelmed with TTC and making sure that everything is okay and doctors and all that. I’m studying to be a nurse, just like her, too, so school is keeping me busy I guess.

I just... I can’t help but feel like I will fail without her guidance. She basically raised us alone and I just miss her.

(My parents got divorced when I was 9, and when my mom died, my POS dad didn’t reach out at all, so I cut him off. So did most of my siblings. We haven’t talked since she passed.)

My husband’s family isn’t close, we see them maybe once every few months. Maybe. So I don’t have the in-law support system that I wanted, but I got the man of my dreams and more, and that is more than I could have ever asked for. He got the better end of the deal lol

Any advice? I know two grieving processes aren’t the same, but I feel like I.... I just... I miss her. I know I’ll never get the answers I am looking for, but I’m worried I’ll fail her.

She’s on the bottom left. I’m on the top. We might as well have been twins btw

This one is from my army days. I was in the IDF and came home to visit.