Currently waiting at the ER for help, or confirmation, or I don't know what.

I could be losing pregnancy #4 this year. I'm supposed to be 7 weeks today. A week ago there was a heartbeat and things were looking good. Suddenly I'm cramping severely and the brown spotting I've been having for a week has turned pink, almost red. The cramps feel like a knife is tearing through my abdominal cavity.

All I need is for the them to say there's no heartbeat anymore. Then I can let go.

I'm absolutely heartsick wondering why I did this to myself again?

I feel like a broken machine, incapable of doing something I did easily, twice, in my twenties. Now it just fails. At least this time I got to see a heartbeat.

Damn this hurts.