I’ve posted on here before, but I need help and advice.

From Aug. 21st-30th, I got to see my friend who is in the Marines for the first time in 5 months. (Last time I saw him was in March in Hawaii, where he’s stationed). In Hawaii, he told me he not only loves me, but was also IN LOVE with me. I was on Cloud 9.

Fast forward to August. He dropped several bombs on me. He told me he still loves me, but wasn’t IN LOVE with me. I blame myself for that one because in May, I went on vacation in TN w an abusive friend of mine (He’s no longer in the picture because he put his hands on me on July 4th). Out of fear I let him have his way with me since I was scared what he’d do. I didn’t stick up for myself! I did an awful thing and I promised my Marine I’d wait for him. I spent the rest of TN crying and miserable. I told my marine what happened the next day and he called me mentally and physiologically damaged. I was heartbroken. Another bomb he dropped was that he may stay in Hawaii instead of coming home after getting out. (He gets out next month). I was beyond heartbroken because I feel like I will never have a chance to be with him.

I’ve struggled with self-harm for 10 years and as of Aug. 28th, I am 21 months clean from it. I got to celebrate it with my Marine. He dropped me off at the airport last Thursday and all I can think of is relapsing because I don’t know when I’ll see him again! I’m just so depressed. I have to force myself to get out of bed, get a shower, etc. He doesn’t know how bad it is, and I’m scared to tell him. Any advice will be helpful!