So, I’m mostly writing this as a way to get my frustration out and get things off my chest, but if anyone has any kind words or camaraderie to offer that would be amazing.

So I’m in my mid-20s and I’ve been sexually active for a few years. I’ve had sex with two people, both serious boyfriends in my life. I’m choosy and careful about sex and hooking up because that’s what I’m most comfortable with. When I’ve had sex in the past, Ive used condoms with spermicidal lube AND had the guy pull out every single time. Both things in conjunction - never just one or the other. I do not want to be pregnant anytime in the near future - it would be devastating for my future plans right now.

I have SEVERE anxiety and panic issues. I’m on several medications, and I need them just to function from day to day. My system is extremely delicate. Because of this, I cannot be on hormonal birth control of any kind, no matter how low the dose of hormones is. All of my doctors agree. Because I can’t be on hormonal bc, I’m as careful as possible with condoms, spermicide, and pulling out all together.

But even so, I struggle with my anxiety every time I hook up with my guy - even if we aren’t having sex. Afterwards I always get anxious about, “well it only takes ONE sperm and what if while you were grinding he got too close” or “what if he touched himself and then touched you”.... I know these are all incredibly unlikely, but that’s what anxiety does. It makes you panic about things that will likely never happen to anyone.

I’m so frustrated. It’s not worth my mental health to even try bc because of the amount of time it would take my body to readjust if it didn’t agree with me - which it likely wouldn’t. But I also feel lime I should be able to have a normal sex life - or at least fool around with my guy - without freaking out about sex. I’m in my 20s, I’m incredibly responsible and mature.... it’s just unfair. If I became a millionaire tomorrow, I would start a kickstarter to find a form of male birth control that’s just as effective as female birth control.

Hopefully I’m not the only person who has ever felt this way. 😭😅 thanks for listening, ladies.