Ok so this may be a long one but I’d love for you to read this. All my life I grew up in church and I did like I was told and got saved and got baptized and that was that but I didn’t feel any different. It was hard for me though as my dad was such a believer and my mom not so much. Every Sunday he’d be up at the crack of dawn all dressed to go and just sitting in his chair reading his bible then there was my mom she’d sit here like “I don’t feel like going I just wanna relax today” and as a child it confused me, of course I didn’t want to go either then and it would start a huge fight. I started feeling like god was taking my dad away from us, church was all he cared about and my once goofy big child of a father who loved playing with us and watching the Sunday movie on abc channel every week was just stuck with his nose in his bible 24-7. As I grew up I fell out of the church and I had a lot of hurt and heart ache in my life and it made me doubt everything. I’d sit here and scream at god telling him ok if your real do something give me a sign show me your there...nothing. It horrified me to think there was no god and that after we died we were just gone. I went through a deep depression and a state of panic to where all I thought about 24-7 was where do we go when we die! This was only like a year ago I underwent counseling and was put on medication and I just got worse. I realized I’d only begun this state of panic after I was put on that medication. I begged my doctor to take me off it and he wouldn’t so I did it myself and immediately felt better. But the question still stuck where do we go when we die? Is there a god? We decided to start ttc baby #2 and got pregnant right away but lost it. That broke me I blamed myself and this so called god for it happening. Months went by and I still hadn’t conceived again I dropped to my knees at the beginning of this cycle and once again we pleaded “ god please if your real give me a sign let me get pregnant this month let this be our month please god show me your real.” Weeks passed and I started to ovulate it was the first time I’d ever really had for sure signs of ovulation I was ecstatic and a but curious like is this really happening. After ovulation I got this sense of peace and just knew it had worked so I started testing a bit to early and began getting discouraged but still held out hope. Then yesterday morning came, I tested and got a vvvvf positive I couldn’t believe it I was over the moon with excitement but still I wanted that for sure second pink line that was without a doubt positive so I tested again that afternoon and sure enough I got this. I was so happy I didn’t even realize and then later on as i sat there talking to my belly I remembered what I’d prayed and I began to cry. I don’t know if this was god giving me my sign to let me know he’s there or it was just my month but I pray I can grow to know god like my dad some day.