This is a bit of a read, but I wanted to share and give to those struggling with infertility and early loss.

I suffered a miscarriage last October while traveling for work. This was my second miscarriage and this time, believe it or not, I didn’t even know I was pregnant. (By that point, we had been trying for a baby for 6 years with 1 previous miscarriage and I knew in my heart I was pregnant again but just couldn’t bring myself to test. Maybe my heart knew this baby wouldn’t stick). So I lost the baby in my hotel room in Chicago I the middle of the night. It was the most intense pain of my life and I thought I was going to die in that tiny bathroom. I was beside myself with grief and sadness. I was so mad at God for allowing this to happen.

When I got back home from Chicago, I went to my obgyn who did an ultrasound and confirmed I had fully miscarried. But I let going back to her because the pain was unbearable. I was missing work and could barely walk some days. I went in weeks later for another ultrasound and she said “yep, I can see that you are about to start your period again any time now.” She suggested that I stop trying for a baby for at least 3 months to let my body heal and regulate. I also saw a fertility specialist and scheduled exploratory surgery to figure out what was causing so much pain.

Well that never happened because I got this a week later (day before Thanksgiving 2017).

I was in total shock. We stopped trying, I gave up on the notion of getting pregnant. I told my husband I couldn’t take it anymore after all of these years and so many disappointments. The month we stopped trying, we got our positive. We don’t even know when we conceived because we had sex once or twice that month and didn’t track. I dropped to my knees thanking God for hearing me.

I went to the fertility doctor, who told me this baby was likely not viable, but instead ectopic because my progesterone was so low. I had my labs retested 48 hours later (the longest wait of my life) to learn that my levels were up, Baby was ok!! I started progesterone suppositories immediately.

A week later, I started bleeding. I thought, here we go again. Hubby and I went into the dr fearing another miscarriage, when instead we saw this

A tiny blueberry of a baby. I had a subchrionic hemorrhage that was causing the bleeding. I was told not to work out, lift, strain, and was put on pelvic rest due to a threatened miscarriage. Yet I prayed Psalm 91 for protection over my baby!

Fast forward to a couple months later, I rear ended a car. Totally my fault, I didn’t brake fast enough going down a hill when the light suddenly turned red. My car was totalled and I was 13 weeks. I thought I killed my baby. But when we rushed to the ER, I saw the most beautiful image of my baby turning cartwheels on the ultrasound machine!!

After all of this, I am living testimony that when God wants you to have a baby,

NEVER

GIVE

UP

HOPE!

He will bring that baby to you! No matter what the odds. He will bring you children even in spite of yourself. I was so annoyed when people would tell me this when I was TTC, but His timing is perfect and His ways are wise.

Jacob Xavier Merrill born 7/25/2018 (my Hubby’s bday). 8 pounds 13 ounces, 20.5 inches and a very easy delivery.