Love an impossible goal?

I only had 2 boyfriends, before that i was raped when i was a virgin, i feel like im the exception not the rule. At the moment i dont want a boyfriend, because i recently broke with my boyfriend who lied to me, after 6 months i found out he was married and i decided to end things with him, now i just want to wait a couple of months, but later on i want to be the rule. Someone fighting for me, thinking theyll never find someone better than me. Im so depressed.  Im taking sedatives and they have helped alot, i read two books, one why men marry bitches & act like a lady think like a man. Any recommendations. I admire women who know what to do, when to do it and how to do it. 👌😔😞😢😭😭😪