Body count of 5 and just lost my virginity

I just want to express how happy I am that I lost my virginity yesterday.

I never was a “virgin” by definition because my first time having sex was when I was 3 years old to my father. Until his arrest when I was 5 years old, he had sexually abused me at least once a month.

A few months before his arrest, he had forced my 2 elder brothers (10-11 years older than me) to have sex with me as well. I don’t consider it their fault and I hold nothing against them however they haven’t been able to look me in the eyes since.

After my father was arrested, my mother passed away in a car accident and my family was separated. I was sent to live with my grandparents on my mother’s side. From 5 to 7 years old, I lived like a “normal” child. But in the July of my 7th year, my grandfather raped me. And he did so every week until he passed away in 2014, when I was 13 years old.

I still considered myself a virgin, just my definition is slightly different due to my experiences. To me, losing your virginity means the first time you have consensual sex.

So, this guy and I decided to be friends with benefits maybe a week ago. He knows the bare minimum about my past but he agreed to the relationship. We had to set our terms so we had to talk about whether sex was in this relationship or not, and I said yes with the agreement that if I say stop, stop. However, I was honestly terrified.

On Monday, he got suspended from school for 5 days for being intoxicated on campus. I saw him after school on Tuesday when he was waiting by my car. We talked for a bit and he asked me to give him my number (he had broken his phone) so he can call me Wednesday morning and invite me to his house. Wednesday morning at 7:30am, he called me and I snuck into his room.

Skipping details, we ended up having sex. Consensual sex. So I consider yesterday to be the day I lost my virginity. The entire time, I had some horrible memories appear in my mind and I did cry because of them, but the lights were off so he didn’t notice.

And then today, I snuck into his house again and we had sex for the second time. I know it probably seems stupid, and some may think I’m too young, but I’m incredibly happy I was able to overcome my memories and my fear and that my first time was with someone who is understanding of my situation.

For clarification, we are both 17 years old and seniors in high school. He didn’t use a condom either time we had sex which makes me extremely nervous. He tried but then took it off. Bad decision, I know.