Let me start off by saying that I am blessed and I do know this. I am pregnant with my fifth child, but she’ll be our 6th because we’re in the process of adopting the baby we’ve been fostering since birth. My kids are 10, 8, 5, 23 months and 6 months.

Now here comes the rant. Sorry in advance. The last 3 weeks have been some of the shittiest in my life. My mum passed away on August 31. I had to choose to remove life support because I was her next of kin. She was my best friend. She has been there for the delivery of all of my babies. I am a wreck. I can’t even stand myself sometimes. I am miserably uncomfortable at 38+2 weeks pregnant. I am emotional and angry and irritable. I’m just all over the place. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to shower or get out of bed really. I am doing these things because I am a stay at home mom and I have to take care of my kids. I am so snappy and my kids are taking the brunt of it and my husband is next in line. I feel so guilty about all of it. I feel like I have no one to talk to because I don’t want to burden anyone with all of my problems. I feel so alone. To add to all of this, my aunt passed away the same night that my mum did, around the same time. My family has been hit hard.

We hadn’t chosen a name for our baby when my mum passed away. Back in June, I had asked family and friends for suggestions on names because we were undecided. My mum had suggested a name and we initially said no because we didn’t want to have any of our kids to have names that started with the same letters. When she passed, we decided that it just felt right and we chose to go with the name she had suggested. Now I keep seeing all these posts about how it’s so common and people more or less making fun of the commonness of it. It’s just killing me a little. Every little thing is bothering me. I’m just so done and I want to crawl in a hole.

I just want my baby to be born, I want to feel happiness and excitement. Which I know sounds awful. I absolutely love my kids and they do make me happy, I just want her here. Our sweet little Kynslee who was named by her Grammie in Heaven 💜