Hello All. I miscarried in February this year and gave myself all the time to heal and mourn and grieve and frankly I was and am just tired. I am tired of wishing that it didn’t happen. Tired of trying to figure out how to move forward. Tired of still getting my period and tired of feeling like I can plan anything for the next year, because what if it does finally happen.

This whole time I have been patient and helped girlfriends as they have had their second kids and brought food and washed dishes and done laundry and never once did I feel sad or negatively. They brought new little people in the world and they needed help. I was glad to be able to support in that manner. I would see their worried faces looking at me like I might lose it while helping them with since I didn’t still have my kiddo on the way. And I told them then and still do believe that my loss has nothing to do with the joy I felt for them...... but now, very slowly, jealousy is starting to creep in. I am so embarrassed.

Another friend of mine told me she was pregnant the other day at work with her third child and my reaction surprised me. I said all the right things and congratulated her, but I wasn’t happy for her. I had the nastiest immediate thought of “why not me???”. And I feel terrible about it. What kind of friend thinks that? I had handle being in the world and being sad.... I can’t handle be envious of my friends and their families. It just feels like a very quick way to lose even more than what I already have.