I have nobody to talk to about this. Im hoping somebody will be there for me.

I was laying in bed with my husband. I was just laying there crying while he watched Instagram videos and showed me a few funny ones and i would quickly wipe away my tears and laugh. Then he gets ready to go to sleep and tells me goodnight and he sees me crying and rolls over and ask whats wrong and is calling me cute names and holding me. He made me laugh and asked if i was crying because he ate all my gummy bears and i was unaware. But i was still sad. I kept crying until i finally caught my breath and told him why i was crying. I told him that it hurts me when he calls me mean names, tells me he doesnt give a shit if we’re together and a few other things. He instantly got mad and told me to stop crying. That hurt me more. I cried harder. He told me to shut up or he’ll give me something to cry about. I just wanted to be held. I just wanted an apology. I wanted to hear that he loves me. I couldn’t stop crying. I held this inside for days. I was finally letting it out.

I recently found old post from him and his ex on Facebook. And i know they shouldnt matter but what hurt was he doesnt treat me like that. What hurt was he commented back on a post “i love you i love you i love you” in the two years we’ve been together he’s told me maybe 5 times. Its always me saying i love you and he just says “me too”. Its a really big deal when he finally tells me. So it hurt. But these problems were going on before i saw that.

He told me that he cried for his ex. After that all i could hear is him telling me he doesnt care if we’re together or not.

Anyways i kept crying because i felt so alone. I regretted telling him how i felt. Whenever something makes me sad or i dont like something its “stupid” or im stupid. When i dont like something im “shit out of luck”. I feel like im not allowed to cry or be hurt. Whenever i something makes me sad he just flips it on me and gets mad at me. I crying almost every night. Sometimes i don’t even know why. I feel like i might have postpartum depression. I sleep all the time to escape my pain. But he wouldn’t understand that. To him im just lazy. I literally felt like i just needed some kind words and to be held but instead i got yelled at.

He got on top of me and covered my mouth and raised his hand and told me he doesnt give a shit and that hes tired of me. I cried harder. He was breaking my heart. I cried uncontrollably. I asked why doesnt he hug me and make me feel better the way i do for him when he cries, no matter the circumstances. He just said “we’re the same person?” I cried more. He told me to go to the living room if i wont shut the fuck up. How can i love him so much. My daughter woke up. Shes turning 6 months today(im typing this at 2 am). Her big innocent eyes looked into my eyes and i cried harder. She doesnt know that daddy is a monster. She loves him so much, it’s noticeable. Sometimes i feel like she doesnt love me as much.

He got back on top of me and slapped me. He told me to shut up. After that its a blur. I just remember crying harder and harder, him yelling at me because my lip was bleeding on the blanket and then later somehow i ended up crawling over to him and hugging him and apologizing for crying. Apologizing for ruining the night. I ruin everything. Everything was fine, except me. Its better to just keep my mouth shut and cry when im alone. I should have just waited to cry when he fell asleep. Later today would be better if i just shut up. He told me that theres no fucking way i can fall back asleep after he goes to work. But he doesnt know i probably wont sleep at all. I feel myself turning to alcohol. Even sex. These past few days i had been initiating sex every night and morning. It makes me feel loved. Its when he gives me the most kisses. Sometimes after work he doesnt bother to give me one or look at me. I know i should leave him. I get the courage to when hes not home. But then he gets here and everything is fine and i love him. But at night an emptiness fills me and i feel trapped and hopeless. As long as he’s happy everything is fine. As long as i do everything he says everything is fine. Hes amazing when everything is fine and im not ruining it. But he can change in a heartbeat. Instead of leaving i just put up with his attitude after the fights. I put up with the rules and restrictions he gives me out of anger. I put up with the cold “me too” i get after i tell him i love him. I put up with everything that hurts me until he gets over it and i just hope for the best.

I need to learn how to shut up. He would have been in a good mood later today. Now im not so sure. I ruined it for myself

Alone, confused and numb

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