hey everyone. i've been trying not to think too much about my relationship but it's getting harder. i met a guy on the first day of uni, we hit it off and started a no-commitment type of relationship. i never was the one to make relationships work, i have never fall in love, never even felt commited to anyone so it was a great deal. he's a full on sadist, which is great because i like control and really enjoy pain when it comes to sex. we like the same music genres, movies but we're different enough to not get bored of each other. it wasn't a fwb or fb type of thing he still wanted me to be his friend, go to movies, hang out with him. he just didn't want anyone around us (except close friends) to know about us being anything more than friends. he introduced me to his oldest and closest friend, he invited me to his band practices, gigs, and always made everyone around us know that we're together, not in a boyfriend-girlfriend type of thing just that vibe of us being together at that event. it's been over a year guys, i had a breakdown at one point and told him i wasn't going to be in this if he didn't like me and wanted me as his gf. he said he had a girlfriend a year ago, he broke it off bc she was living her life according to his, planning to go wherever he will even if it meant she'd ruin her own education. so he cut it off, while still being in love with her. he said that they talked and decided nothing will never happen again between them and she moved on. he said he never got over her and that he doesn't think he can in the next 10 years or smth but he still wanted me in his life, he's just not ready to call someone his girlfriend and that we had a deal from the beginning. he said he still looked at their pictures together until very recently back then, the entire pics got deleted by accident, that this was the first forward step since he ended things with her. so i said i wouldn't wait for him and he understood but kept calling me so i just let it go, cuz i knew that no strings were attached i had to act accordingly. this summer, i went to his hometown, worked on his cousin's hotel with him, met the remaining best friends, met his uncle's entire family and some family friends. it was dreamy, we came back to school now everything's better than it ever was. we're still nothing. he's really protective, a little too jealous, caring. we have went through SO much shit, worked through a shit load of problems and here we are: STILL NOTHING. yesterday we were with his bestfriend and his gf, i had a depression attack out of the blue and he talked to me, let me cry, hold me, nothing he never did before cuz i had a few serious attacks in the past year since we got together. only this time, after i pulled myself together and we went back to the group, we were walking and our hands touched each other's and we just hold hands without noticing. he stopped after 6 or 7 seconds. that was weird because it's been a year and he puts his arm around my shoulders, back, he kisses me sometimes in the street, he sometimes holds my hand when we're sitting in a cafe and when his arm is around my shoulder but he had never hold my hand while walking. why did he do it so suddenly and then let go even faster? i think i'm really starting to fall for him, which is a first for me but i don't know what i'm supposed to do. it kills me to know that he has a right to see and be with other girls, even though i'm %100 sure that he isn't. have you ever had anyone acting similar? i don't know how much i can continue like this tbh, even though i love and care for him very much.