I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now, and he’s always been the jealous type and at first it wasn’t really a problem but throughout time things have gotten so much worse. He insults me all the time, he makes up assumptions and starts to blame me for them, he even was cheating on me about two months ago (he was texting his ex and not in a normal “friend” way, he was calling her baby and everything) and he begged and begged for my forgiveness and blocked her everywhere and vice Versa and Eventually I was stupid enough to take him back. But ever since, he has this fear that I’m just out to get him back somehow so he’s always hurting me for no reason and I try to reassure him so many times that I’m not going to do anything to hurt him. I really love him, and no matter how hard I try I never have the courage to walk away from him even though I know I should. I always hold on to the good moments even when I’m aware that the bad ones definitely outweigh them. I also feel like I hold on to him because I’m so scared to see him with someone else, since I have before. Someone help ): I feel like I’m losing my mind I’m never happy I have absolutely no freedom he controls every aspect of my life and I just feel so stuck. These messages are from a few minutes ago, we were having a normal conversation and I told him I was watching videos and when he asked what I was watching, he suddenly decided he knew what I was watching and assumed I was watching something with other guys, then he started insulting me over it..

Edit: thank you for all the comments. I’m trying so hard build up the courage to really walk away, so hard. I know what I have to do and I have no doubt in my mind that it’s necessary, I know I can’t keep staying in this cycle but I’m just terrified of the pain that comes after. I’m so scared.

Also, these are other messages he’s sent me before. No matter how many times he says them, they still hurt so badly every time. Then later he comes and apologizes and begs me to forgive him and of course I fall back in. And when we aren’t fighting, he’ll send me stuff like this:

And I feel like the happiest person when he talks to me like this, it’s like we have really high highs and really low lows. He has been that sweet and that heartless in the same DAY. It’s the most confusing, tiring cycle.. but I know all those nice words don’t mean anything because at the end of the day, he still ends up hurting me over and over again. I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted. I just want to be happy and finally have the courage to walk away..