I need prayer; lots of it.

I’ve been having thoughts of suicide since late July. It comes and goes. I’m just very unhappy. I do not know how to change that. Well, I do. Get closer to God. Give my life to him fully. I am a Christian by default; that is how I was raised. I was active in church before my current job - almost seven years ago. I’ve since only acknowledged the Lord when asking for a blessing for my meals and during random prayers. In June, I started reading my Bible and making efforts to live faithfully. It’s hard. Of course, as soon as I turn to God, things got tricky; life tripped me up and kicked me in the face. I am not doing well with the testing of my faith. How does one live faithfully? How does one just wake up everyday and really live by faith no matter how quickly life is falling down around them. You just do. I understand but I’m not having success. I try being still but... I am angry. I am depressed. I’ll go days doing great. Studying scripture and listening to Gospel music; trying to keep my spirit nourished. Then something will set me off. I’m failing the test. I’m inconsistent. I feel stuck in a dreary place; this is how it will always be it seems. And this is not how I want to continue. So I don’t want to continue at all. I beat myself up for allowing myself to be so pitiful because I have my health; I have family. I have so many blessings. So I beat myself up for being pitiful and that makes me feel even worse and more pitiful. I just ask for prayers; s genuine and heartfelt as possible. Please.