Alright so me and my ex Broke up a couple of months ago and It was my fault because I was being threatened with losing my job (body piercer) if I went back to him even though I wanted to so desperately. So he goes out with one of our friends also his ex and mines.. I get upset go off at the pair of them get blocked and they refuse to talk to me... I give up and try to move on and I get pregnant the guys a nutcase so I break it off and he tries to contact my ex and I end up contacting my ex and we start talking I confess I still want him back and love him. We hang out at one point just us two and nothing happens the first time. We keep talking he's telling me that him and his girl are having issues and I just carry on talking to him trying to make him feel better about his life and mental health. Eventually we meet up again and I decide fuck it I'll kiss him see the reaction I get. (keep in mind we have been doing shit since I was 14 and I'm 18 now hes 19) so we are in a forest and it's dark so I kiss him...he kisses me back not just a peck but full on hands wandering and holding on kissing. We stand and hold each other nose to nose for a while and kiss again my hands brush against his crotch and he's noticeably hard so I offer to give him head... I do that and he's really enjoying it and going for it. He asks if I want to do more and I say yes so I lean over a tree (classy I know don't judge me) and he grabs my throat and we have sex just like we used to he's holding me so tight. I ask if he misses me he says yeah I do. We kiss again and hug. We go back to the bus stop and he kisses me one last time and says we can't do that again you know that right I'm sorry I'm really sorry. I could feel my heart ache from that. I said okay even though I knew I didn't want it to be. I get home and he's messaging me saying how much he hates himself and that he loves his girlfriend i get upset and say like you used to love me? We were going to get married and have a family. We are now talking normally he's told me that I've not to bring it up online but he will talk to me about it in person when I next see him...i don't know what to do anymore I want to be with him so so bad... Someone help me please.