Some of you know my mother passed away 13 days ago now. Now me and my mom didn't have the best relationship with a ton of things done that I just don't understand to this day. I'm struggling to separate the fact that no matter what things would have turned out the same way. My mom was an addict and a woman of many secrets and reasons that noone would understand. Now when I was 16 I found out threw numerous people that my mom wanted to have an abortion with me and the only reason she hadn't was because of my nana (her mother) she told my mom to have me and she would take care of me as her own. Which my mom did obviously but my nana passed away when I was 4 which left my mom with a baby she wasn't really attached to. Now my mom never neglected me but she was never that nurturing loving mother that I long for to this day. My mom met my ex step father. Had my little brother. Now I was tramatized when my nana passed away.. so I don't have any recollection of my brother being born or brought home or being a baby. (PTSD) from what I've been diagnosed with. Now when I got older and found out some things about my mother's choices I turned cold and distant. I moved to another state and completely avoided contact with both my step father and mom. They were both using drugs at a deathing rate and they were doing things that just don't get spoke of. Now mind you my little brother still lives with them and is living threw this maddness. And he calls me after me being gone for a few years asking for me to come back. So I leave my home and everything I have built and move back to where they are. To live in a camper with a bunch of dope heads... Didn't last long. I left again and found someone and was in a strong relationship for about 2 years. In that time my mom caught some criminal charges and violated probation and when to prison. Well things happened in the relationship and me being the person I was I left again. And on my way to my destination to no where really I was raped and concieved my son who is now 4. Well my mom was in prison when my son was born so she wasn't there when I gave birth. But she got out Thanksgiving day that year. So I wanted my son to be the first thing she saw when she came home. Wrong... She was so concerned about getting high again and not letting anything get in her way of that she didn't even come visit me and my son. Now the reason I'm putting all this out there is cuz I am having a hard time letting go of my guilt that I have for not letting go of all those things that hurt me along the way and I feel selfish and dumb for it now that she is gone. I just got off the phone with my sister whom which my mom was living with at the time of her passing and she told me mom went to bed mad at her because my sister wouldn't go get mom some dope and she picked up the meth pipe that next morning when my sister found our mom dead before the cops got there. Now I'm mad at her because she promised me she hadn't started using again. Because back in July mom had a stroke in a result of a massive brain bleed and a massive heart attack. She lived threw it. She was in life support for 14 days but she pulled threw with little defficites. Which was a miracle she was walking talking she could feed her self and it was great. She had always been a little tiny person but her years and years of hard drug use was catching up with her. Her liver was shutting down she had hep c she had chronic gi bleeds which in turn caused her to have to getting blood transfusions on a regular basis..... I'm not sure how to feel any more. She's my only mom and I feel this massive amount of emptiness right now but at the same time I could stand at the end of the Earth and yell at her for all of this. I needed to get this out and I'm sorry it's in a million different directions but that's about how I feel right now