So it’s my husbands birthday tomorrow and I am due today, 13th month ttc and first month I’ve taken clomid to help it along, doctors can’t find anything even in the slightest wrong with either of us.

Today I tested (in my head I knew it was negative but still the thought of wrapping a positive test would have been too hard to deny) and it just hit me like the heaviest weight, my whole inside just screamed,

I sat in the bathroom crying for an hour because I feel so done with it. I picked up my phone to write this and just need to get it out in the open . I know so much pain in my heart that I can’t even describe it, I haven’t told anyone what I’m going through but my entire friends and family circle think I’ve gone mad, I don’t socialise I don’t hardly leave my house I just feel like the whole world has stopped! Last month we had our 1 year anniversary and I felt so sick to the stomach that a whole year had passed I hadn’t seen any of my best friends for more than 5 minutes. This has just consumed me and it scares me.

Especially when it seems like im the only one not pregnant around me ( I’ve been forced to go to 4 baby showers this year) and although I’m crushed today and will be tomorrow when he opens just his trainers and jacket, there’s still a little part of me that knows it’s all in good time, but I just want it now!

This month this exact time was perfect and it didn’t work, Im so done avoiding friends and family because it’s just too painful to hold their babies, my sister had baby number 5 last week and my heart just won’t hold him yet...and I feel like a monster...just really needed to vent, wishing all the ladies here love and blessings and lots of BFPs this month x