Bad mom?

I write this post with one very heavy heart. Today I was made to feel like a bad parent. As someone who would literally do anything for my children I can’t even begin to start putting in to words how that felt. But social media is my outlet, my place to get things off my chest, my ramblings and so here the story goes....

Rewind to yesterday and some of you will already know about the little incident we had over at Lance and Cole’s house but to get everyone up to speed, Fletcher was laying on the floor about to have is diaper changed. Clea was nearby stood up with her back to Fletcher. I’m not sure if she realised he was there because she took a backwards step, stumbles and landed with her bottom on his head. He immediately cried - a cry I’ve never heard before and went cold and stiff for a short while. Clea cried too, calling Fletcher’s name at the same time (‘cha cha’ as she likes to call him). She hurt her bottom but was also very aware that she had hurt Fletcher too and she was upset about it. He continued to cry for about half an hour before finally settling after having a feed. When he settled I noticed he had a big red bump on his head. I didn’t really know what to do if I’m totally honest. He seemed okay in himself but just had this nasty bump. I decided to call 111 for advice.

They asked various questions and it was apparent when they started asking questions about his head that they weren’t happy with one of the answers I had given and I was told they would send an ambulance out. I said it seemed a bit unnecessary and that I could take him to the hospital after all I hate the thought of wasting resources that someone else may need but they insisted and about 5-10 minutes later a response car with one paramedic arrived at Lance and Cole’s (Elliott’s dad and partner) house - at least it wasn’t a proper ambulance I suppose.

The paramedic did some observations of Fletcher and checked him all over, he was quite happy with Fletcher but said because of his age that it was best to get a second opinion and so he made an appointment for us to take him to the hospital to see the out of hours GP.

Off we went to the hospital, waited for an hour and a half and finally saw the GP who checked Fletcher all over. She was very thorough but said that there was nothing obvious that was wrong and went through a list of things to look out for in case he got worse. That was it and she sent us on our way.

Overnight he was a bit sleepier than usual but was his normal self in the morning. We had our seven week baby and postnatal check at the doctors today. Off Clea, Fletcher and I went, not before having to turn around to go home and pick up his red book which I’d forgotten. I then got to the car park and the entrance has been closed and I was forced to park in a car park I hadn’t used for years which has really small spaces so that was all a bit of a palaver. Not a great start to the day.

Got to the doctors and waited a good 40 mins or so until we were called. Standard. Fletcher had started to get fed up and Clea was being very clingy. When we were called in she asked me all about how I was, my type of birth, was everything healing etc. Fine. I didn’t really have any concerns about me to raise so then we moved on to Fletcher. She asked how he was and I said he’s good. I then mentioned we’d had a little incident last night and explained the whole story. Almost immediately I felt like she didn’t believe my ‘story’ as if it was just that - a made up story. She asked if he’d been seen by paediatrics. I said no - after all it wasn’t that serious, he was fine, why on earth would he need to be seen by them? (I didn’t actually say any of this, I was just thinking it). So then she says she needs to refer us to the paediatric safeguarding team and my heart just dropped.

I’m a midwife, I deliver babies and deal with them every day and the word ‘safeguarding’ is drilled into you from day one. It means somewhere there is a vulnerable child. A child who is at risk, who potentially needs to be monitored. I felt terrified. My eyes started selling up. I felt a coldness from this doctor. All of a sudden she felt mean. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. Hell I didn’t want to be anywhere near her. I just wanted to run away from her office. But I couldn’t and in the end I listened to her banging on and on about how it’s protocol of a non mobile infant has a bruise and how the GP last night should have made the referral and that she has been in trouble in the past, that last nights GP will get in trouble too and she’s just doing a hat she has to particularly with all the stuff in the media. Okay I get that, there are awful things that happen to a handful of children, that don’t get picked up and the outcomes are terrible but harping on about it to someone who just had a baby seven weeks ago, who feels pretty bad about he incident as it is, well quite honestly I couldn’t give a flying fuck if she had been in trouble in the past or not, or how it’s ‘protocol’ a bit of humanity, raw emotions and gut feeling should be enough to work out there is no safeguarding risk to my baby. I asked what would happen, she said that someone would be in touch and probably come out to our house. I just wanted to cry so badly. That kind of thing only happens to people who don’t look after their children, why on earth am I being tested like that? The appointment continued.

Fletcher was stripped down and she started checking him over, suddenly realising that he didn’t even in fact have a bruise and the swelling from last night had gone down so much it was barely noticeable. However I think she was too deep in her spiel about safeguarding that she continued down that route and said she would give them a call while I got Fletcher dressed. She kept trying for ages to get through to someone but no one was answering. She said the GP last night couldn’t get through either. I didn’t even know the GP last night had tried to call them. She’d obviously done it after we had left. Fine. At least she wasn’t going to makes us feel like shit, like bad parents, like this doctor was doing right now. I zoned out of the appointment only listening to what I needed to and only responding to her when I actually had something worthwhile to respond. By this point she was banging on about how the phone call was just to ‘tie up loose ends’. I could tell that by now she’d realised that there was in fact nothing to be concerned about but like I said she was already in too deep in the whole safeguarding fiasco.

Eventually she got through to someone and explained the situation, she then said she doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about. They talked about how I was married and in a stable home, looked at both mine and Elliott’s records and said there was nothing there to be concerned by - at this point I just felt broken. The need to check on me and my husband to see if we had any ‘records’ - of what I’m not quite sure, but I felt a bit like a criminal by this point and again I zoned out. I couldn’t be there in that room any longer. I just needed to leave. I’m pretty sure she ‘tied up her loose ends’ while making me feel like utter shit in the processes, like I was a terrible mother, like I potentially had something to hide and I’m pretty sure that no one will be out to see us after all although I can’t quite remember that part of the conversation so I’m hoping they won’t. I completely forgot to ask about a few things that I actually needed answers to but I shall just phone the doctors another time and speak to someone else.

I totally get that this doctor was just covering her back and that these types of things do need to be chased up in certain situations but I think there are also ways that they should be dealt with, and they should definitely be dealt with sensitively, particularly when someone has had a baby only seven weeks ago. That is not a word I can use for how she dealt with it all. I felt broken by the end of that appointment. I cried all the way home. I couldn’t believe how I was made out to be potentially be someone who had something to hide, a liar, a bad parent, one who lets their child get hurt, who puts their child at risk. That’s not me at all. I’ve never been in a fight or physically hurt anyone in my life. My babies are my absolute world and I would do anything for them. Yes it was evident that she’d changed her opinion on me by the end of the appointment but bu then the damage has been done. I was in bits inside. I called 111 last night to be on the safe side, because I am a good mom. I knew Fletcher was probably okay but thought it would be best to get it checked because I didn’t want anything untoward to happen to him and yet I say in that chair at the doctors today feeling the opposite, feeling like a bad mom.

That doctor ruined my postnatal appointment. The end of my pregnancy journey - she ruined it. I feel devastated. It sounds stupid but I remember attending that same appointment with Clea and it was lovely. It was a nice way to end the process - it’s the final appointment of the pregnancy journey. It is such a shame I didn’t get that same experience this time round. I’ll never forgive her for that.