I'm really sorry but i need to rant, I'm hurting atm and hopefully it'll help
Unfortunately I still miss you. When I wake up I still expect to see a good morning text. But don't get me wrong, just because I have moments where I miss you and want to cry doesn't mean I actually want you back that badly. You had the chance to be with someone who would've treated you with respect and love and care. You told me both your ex's cheated on you, called you names, one of them even physically attacked you once just because she had a dream you cheated? I never would even consider treating anyone like that let alone to you, someone I'd fallen for. But when I asked you about something I saw which hurt me instead of talking about it like adults you ignored me. Radio silence. So after a few days I tried to ring you to talk then sent a text wishing you were well, saying I did miss you but at the end of the day if I didn't hear from you I was gonna move on. So you replied. You said you didn't want to reply as it reminded you of your ex when she'd accuse you of something, you didn't want to argue as you said you'd end up making things worse. You said you went on a bender, that your job security is all over the place and your head is fucked as well as your home life being confusing. You basically implied I should wait for you. Until you finished your bender and got your head sorted. I won't wait for someone though, not who I don't think wants me in their life. I confront you about something and your response is to go on a bender? When you're on strong painkillers for your back pain? What did you do on your bender, did you go back to drugs? You told me everyone around you does coke and it's hard on the best of days to ignore it but what if you were black out drunk? I won't be with someone who chooses to go out getting on the piss instead of discussing things with the one person who actually cares about them. I would've been there for you for whatever you wanted to talk about. I've never judged you for your past and you said that yourself. In a world where you don't have anything stable I would've been your fucking anchor because I'm not like that, I'm not like your psycho ex's. I spent two/three days crying my eyes out because I never heard from you, assumed the worst. I didn't eat. I'm not like that usually. And once I realised you wanted to sort yourself out but not with me around, well not until it was convenient for you, then I decided it was better for me and my mental health to move on. I won't be second best. If you really wanted me around, if you really cared you'd want me there. You wouldn't ask for god knows how much time to see you again? So what, a week? Two? A month? Three months? No I'm sorry, I do really hope you get everything in your life sorted because you are a good guy deep down and I don't wish you any harm at all but I just won't wait around forever. I'm getting on with my life. If I hear from you ever again then we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Maybe we could meet for coffee, sure. But on a friendly basis. I told you I spent ages crying, that I cared about you and that you're important to me - what did you say? Nothing. Did you ask how I was? No. Because you don't care. Or at least in this state you don't. I think you need to get your priorities straight, sort your head out, get help if needed. Maybe grow up as well. So at least for the next girl in your life, you won't make her feel like I've felt this past week. Once again I do wish the best for you, but the best thing that could've happened to you is now walking away. I'm stronger than you realise. I know my own worth now. I know I deserve someone who would walk over hot coals despite everything to have me in their life. Not ignore me for days because their pride was hurt. And not to respond to something by going on a several day bender.
Maybe we'll see each other again, maybe we won't. I won't hold my breath either way.
I'll tell you what you told me when I said I spent days crying over you: keep your head up.
All the best,