Heart Break

My husband and I have tried for 3 years to start a family. We accidentally got pregnant when we were 16 and unfortunately lost the baby. At the time I didn’t know the pain I should have been feeling. I was young and not ready to be a mom and scared to tell my family. I suffered the pain of my miscarriage by myself but that pain was nothing like what I am feeling now. The past 3 years we have tried so hard. I felt like I did everything perfect. I even lost 15 pounds to get myself at a healthy weight with a healthy life style. We even went through 6 cycles of clomid! Finally we got our positive. I couldn’t believe it. I had to test 6 other times over the course of 2 weeks before it set in. I had so many pregnancy symptoms. Even a little pouch (mostly from the bloat). I went to bed with my hand on my belly and a smile on my face. But the next morning it was gone. I was in such incredible pain. I knew instantly what was happening but the blood. . . That whole gruesome sight. Have to clean up after it literally days after it happen. Nothing could have prepared me for that. I cried harder than I have ever cried before. I’m grieving more than I ever have before. I know I shouldn’t blame myself but honestly it’s so much easier to blame myself than to think that my child didn’t deserve a place in this world. I’m trying to stay strong for my husband but I honestly hate myself. I hate that I can’t make us a family. I hate that two tiny little babies have died in my belly or never lived. And I hate that I’m not suppose to tell anyone about this. Last time I suffered in silence but this time I don’t think I can. I don’t think I want to. But should the world know that I’m broken? I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what will help me heal or make me feel happy. I don’t know how to have “HOPE” I’ve had so many negative test and now two miscarriages. How do you stay hopeful and carry on. I just don’t think I have the strength for it anymore.