sexual abuse trigger warning

I think I was molested but my thoughts are so fucking jumbled right now I can't make sense of any of it.

My mum and dad broke up when she was 5 months pregnant with me and when I was born he was awarded part time custody of me. Since I was a baby, I've gone to spend the weekend at his house every fortnight. I've always resented him due to his bullying tactics (he would always yell at me and intimidate me even if I hadn't done anything wrong), so even when I was four years old he would have to carry me, crying and screaming into his car.

My mum has said to me a few times before that she was concerned he was interfering with me when I was younger since I would just scream in my sleep and yell things like "Don't touch me, get away from me".

When I was about 9 or 10, he was in his office one day and I went in to see him. I sat on his lap like usual to watch him play solitaire and he ran his hands up underneath my shirt and all over stomach, then up towards my ribs. I felt so so uncomfortable but I was too scared to say anything.

There have been other times where he's insisted I changed in front of him, or told me that it's okay for me to straddle his lap even when I've been uncomfortable.

Besides that I suppose it's just odd things that he's said to me, like as I've gotten older and I would crack my knuckles he would say "I'd slap your bottom but you might enjoy it".

I don't know if I'm just overreacting but I just can't get those things out of my head and I feel like I've formed a block for a lot of my childhood because I barely remember anything.

I'm just scared and I really don't want it to be true but I feel so sick just thinking about it