My husband and I recently had a baby, Mary. At 23 weeks we found out her brain was not forming correctly and our world was shattered. The ultrasound tech yelled “I don’t see it” and that was the beginning of the nightmare. A beautiful nightmare.

Our girl was born at 31 weeks at less than a pound and we got to hold our little angel for 2 hours before she passed. After autopsy we found out she had triploidy, or chromosome 69. The doctor said she could have been a twin but there egg didn’t split into two. Rare but also relatively common given most babies with this condition miscarry at 9 weeks or earlier, so you wouldn’t expect a ton of metrics around it.

I started going to therapy, because I have a high stress job and because, well, we lost a child. A hold her in your arms cry at the sight of her baby. The doctor put me on lexpro (impact to sex drive) then Zoloft (which has been amazing).

Now one year to the day, we conceived our second child and are now just about 5 weeks pregnant, blessed beyond measure. It’s the first trimester so our anxiety is high. I’m sure a bit higher given I stopped the meds and my mind is like velcro, replaying every moment and not sleeping again.

I stopped the meds because I’m terrified of the impact to our new child, but I’m a mess. Hot mess with a high stress job and this velcro mind. Any moms in their first trimester or through pregnancy take any meds like this? I stopped 1 week ago and definitely see a decline back to postpartum.

This is the first time I’ve said this story out loud, and no one ever realizes how scary pregnancy is until a loss. A loss is a loss, in any form. Baby dust to all!