***Disclaimer***So....I'm posting anon for obvious reasons considering the possible judgement I'll get from non-poly people. I'm requesting that if you dont have anything helpful to say please dont say anything at all. It's hard for me to be public about being poly so please be respectful. Also wanted to state that this is a whole mess of drama so it may be kind of confusing. Any questions are welcome and I'll answer them in the body of the post. This will probably be long.***

So I'm a married polyamorous person in an open poly relationship. My husband has multiple partners and I currently only have him and one other. We'll call him Jim to protect identities. So I started seeing Jim a few months ago. We started seeing each other romantically then he expressed that he did not have romantic feelings for me but we had had sex at that point and the mental connection was so strong that we decided to stay friends with occasional benefits. Everything was going great and fine and dandy for a couple months but during that time Jim would be hot and cold about relationship level stuff. One minute he'd want to cuddle and go on a date and the next he would be cold as all get out. I got sick of it so about a week ago I said that he is my best friend but I wanted to give him one more shot to either be in a relationship with me or to put down the notion of a relationship forever because it isnt healthy for us to continue as we are. He was in the midst of complaining about being forever alone and then proceeded to say that he deserves much better than a hand me down married person with baggage. Not gonna lie, that stung....alot. I stood up for myself and then was so angry and hurt that I didnt speak to him for about a week. Nobody should say that to their friend. It's a nasty thing to say. Anyways in this time I guess he was working hard and then two days ago he messaged me out of the blue and asked if i wanted to hang out. I agreed thinking that i could take this opportunity to let him know that he hurt me and that what he said was not okay. I get there and he's back in the bedroom chilling and so I sit down on the bed and greet him. He had gotten a new comforter and wanted me to try it out so I did (not weird for us just adulting basically). That's when he springs the most bizarre shit ever on me and he left me reeling with confusion. He stated that he wanted to build a little nest out of this bed basically and that he wanted me to spend the night (we did once before but it was accidental). I said that I'd think about it but I had to be up early. He then stated that he wanted me to live with him for a year and that he wants nothing more than for me to be happy and he thinks that I'd be happy there. I stuttered my way through an excuse as to why I couldn't but I kind of got knocked into a silence honestly. He asked me to hold him so I did and he started saying random shit. I asked him if he was drunk or high and he said that he made sure that he was absolutely sober. I asked him a couple more times and he confirmed that he wasnt. I get quiet. I've had feelings for him for awhile but casual dating feelings not live together feelings. He then starts playing off like he is deliriously tired and just saying shit. I offer to stay the night and he falls asleep and I'm still thinking and he wakes up about 20 minutes later and says, "I'm gonna kick you out now so that I can get some sleep goodnight." I was stunned. He basically did a 180° on me and even told me "bye buddy". I was confused as could be. I go home and am up all night trying to grasp what happened. The next day Jim is absolutely silent so I figured he wanted time apart. I didnt message him. This is when my husband springs shit on me that just absolutely made this the most fucked up week ever. He told me that he thinks that he is interested in men and that he loves me but he finds them attractive and he is confused about what he is feeling and what he should do to address those feelings. I just treated the situation as if it was one of my friends coming out and told him to pursue those feelings and he looked at me really sadly like he was betraying me. I'm pansexual so I'm used to the feelings he's having and I'm okay with anything that happens next although I think that I'd still be devastated if he were gay simply because I wouldnt get to have this amazing man as my partner any longer. So I have no one to go to about any of this as I haven't come out as pan or poly to anyone and I dont want to out my husband for possibly being gay. So now I'm turning to you ladies. I cant breathe and I'm super confused and stressed. I have one partner who now suddenly calls me love and wants me to live with him and another partner who may be gay and I'm over here wondering why I'm going through this and if anyone else may have a situation like mine or even just one partner and has or has had one of these issues with them. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks ladies.

Answers:

@ren : I agree. It's weird because my husband and I had sex today and then he just held me in a really tight hug so idk what that means. As far as Jim goes it does feel super fast. I get the feeling that he isnt okay with a poly relationship based on what he wants from me. I'm very frustrated because I've expressed to him what it would be like to be in a poly relationship and that the chances of me living with him or anyone else would be slim to none. I live with my husband now but if we were to split due to these new circumstances I wouldn't live with anyone else again. I made that clear from the get go. I dont understand why he did a complete flip on me and idk how to address this with Jim.

@B : I'm starting to think that may be best as well but at the same time I really dont want to lose Jim. He is my best friend first and foremost and I do love him I just dont romantically love him. As far as my husband goes I definitely think we need to cool it for a minute on unstable partners. The only problem is that he has expressed the want to possibly attempt a sexual relationship with a male partner. I dont want to deny him this but Idk if it is the right call.