It wasn’t supposed to happen again. I already had 2 miscarriages this year, one at 6.5 weeks and a chemical at 4.5. I thought I had paid my price. This one was different. This one was strong. My hcg levels rose quickly and I started to have a few symptoms. Nothing bad, but light morning sickness, specific food/drink aversions, and some mood swings. I was nervous and found a provider of private abdominal ultrasounds at 6.5 weeks, and there was a tiny heartbeat flicker. Unfortunately there was also a subchorionic hemorrhage, so I took it really easy. I went on pelvic rest, gave up exercise, and started progesterone supplements. Then I saw my doctor at 7w5d. The transvaginal ultrasound showed my baby so clearly. Its heartbeat was 164. The hemorrhage had improved and was small. I finally let go of some of my anxiety. I looked up all the statistics and began to feel reassured - to feel excited. Then 3 days ago, at 9 weeks, all my pregnancy symptoms disappeared suddenly. I just knew something was wrong. There’s been no spotting, no cramps; just intuition. My next doctor’s appointment isn’t for weeks, so I paid for another private ultrasound today. No heartbeat. No clear baby on the screen. Its tissue has started to dissipate. The measurements confirmed my fears - my baby stopped growing at 9 weeks. Now I wait for the agony of the miscarriage process, fearing the pain and the gore, but also fearing the alternative (a d&c) if it doesn’t start naturally. My grief is overwhelming.