What's wrong with me?

My abusive ex is very active online and uses the same username for everything. One Google search and someone can see what hes currently up to. I don't understand why but a couple of times a year since leaving him (it's been 4 years now) I look him up and end up having anxiety attacks so severely that I get physically sick. I don't know why I put myself through this but I hate it and nobody knows I do it