It was the one activity we always swore wouldn't end. . .he wakes up in a horrible mood, when we moved in together he would tickle attack me before we even made it outta bed. Most people would hate that, but absolutely love it. . . .so does he, he loves the peeling screams of laughter & thay he can "play".

Both our bodies are often in a decent amount of pain, so sometimes it feels like we won't be able to do that as often. . .but only sometimes. . .

Our schedules have been pretty different, so we often don't get to go to bed together (talk about making it difficult to bed for conceiving) nor do we get to wake up together. . .Def a damper for tickling. . . .but lately, when we do manage to have a day we can sleep in & wake up together. . . .nothing.

He's been up & down lately, more than usua, about his son. Basically he had a kid @21. Long (absolutely heartbreaking) story later, he had to give up all of he parental rights in order to get his son into a home that was safe (his father ended up with him), well the fathers wife has taken him. . . .my husband beats himself up, goes through a ton of self loathing (sometimes my emotions tell me we aren't pregnant because of this shit) & still hasn't forgiven himself for the choices he made (honestly not his fault, he didn't have all the info & made the best decision he could have given the circumstances). . . . .

The way we communicate has changed and I hate it. . . .I do tend to worry about EVERYTHING & it gets pretty annoying, even for me. I've also been known to complain A LOT when I'm upset (talking it through over and over, for some reason, helps me logically work through the emotion). Both things I have been & continue to work on (the last few years have been extremely difficult, Montana is NOT the place for me for sure!). Neither of us want to be here either. . .it's a toxic place for us. . . .

Lately I've been feeling like I should just keep my mouth shut. I've even mentioned that. But then that's "self loathing" & "passive aggressive". I FEEL like everything out of my mouth is being interpreted as either complaining or argueing.

You don't understand, we spent an entire year states apart, on the phone. . . .our communication has always been super baller.

It's stupid shit too. Example: this morning I wake up super suddenly, I have to pee, I look at the clock and say "oh wow, it's late". . . .we discuss what time it is (after noon), I go pee. . .I go back upstairs with the intention of some cuddles & maybe some tickles before getting dressed. He comments "you're going to complain about what time it is, then get back in bed?" I tell him I wasn't complaing, just commenting about the time. . . He then says something about how I have to immediately argue with him about it & yes I was complaining. . . . .so now. . . .rather than what I intended. . .I've been accused of complaing & then arguing all in one go, 1st thing in the morning. . . . .

No tickles, no cuddles. . . .just laying there. . . I tried though, I held him, rubbed hims hair, kissed on him. . . .even chewed on him (usually that will entice a tickling). . . .nothing. . . .so now I'm all sad. . .& I just KNOW that if I bring it up its going to be complaing. . .oh & also dwelling & allowing it to ruin my day. . . .wtf guys