i broke up with my ex in august of 2017. i had felt like shit in the relationship for a while and still feel shitty now. i always felt like i was a bad girlfriend or that i hurt him or something, but i realized the other day that none of that was true. my ex was very abusive and i somehow never realized it (which is so weird because i was always so sure that i'd know if i was in an abusive relationship). he had made me feel guilty and like i was the reason things were going wrong because i didnt want to have sex. he used to tell me what to wear, say he didnt like my clothes, pressure me into doing things i didnt want to do, try to trick me into having sex with him by telling me to do things without ever stating his intentions, never do what i wanted to do (which was literally just go out and find fun stuff to do or play mario kart or something), pressure me even when i started crying, touch me even when i explicitly told him to stop, etc. this has all been fucking with me for the past two years and now that i've realized that it was never just "my depression acting up and making me feep bad," but rather him deliberately using and manipulating me, its all i can think about and i cant stop remembering everything that happened. there was so much that happened in that relationship that i never told ANYONE because i was so ashamed of doing anything sexual (especially since i didnt want to) that i never talked about it for fear that people would look at me differently. i posted about it on here and on an "anonymous" venting app the other day and just sort of generally announced it to the internet to get it off of my chest, then i got the courage to talk to one of my internet friends about it. doing that was hard, but it wasnt super bad because i dont have to see her in real life and she cant do much to directly affect my day to day life outside of text me. however, i asked my best friend's mom (who's pretty much my mom at this point because of how close we are) if we could go for a drive tomorrow because some stuff was bothering me and i wanted to talk to someone about it. i have a friend who was raped and she talked to my best friend's mom about it so i know that everything will go fine, i just dont know how to actually talk about it. how do you start that conversation? how do you just say "hey remember that guy that i assured you was TOTALLY a great guy? yeah well he sexually abused me and threatened me with a knife one time :^)"

i also cant help but feel guilty about it all for some reason too. i feel like I'VE done something wrong and i just dont know what to say. any advice?