10.31.2018.

   Days like today (halloween) are always a little more difficult for me. Every single day I see my friends and family with their children creating amazing memories. Trick or treating, first day of school, birth photos, pregnancy announcements, Christmas morning present openings and soo much more.

   I also see them worried or upset when their little one is sick or hurt. The sleepless nights, the way their body changes, the bags under their eyes from little to no sleep, and the forgetfulness to text/call me back every so often because they're caught up with the never ending "mom life".

I feel like by age 30, I should know how to make a bottle. In fact, it wasn't that long ago that I learned you mixed water with baby formula and not milk. I didn't grow up with siblings to help with or learn from. In fact the only place I've ever changed a diaper that I recall was at a daycare I worked at, 10 years ago.

Now to be fair, I haven't ever really TRIED to get pregnant. I always figured if I tried I would succeed. But as I've gotten older and have numerous friends who struggle to conceive I began to worry if I would soon be in the same boat.

My long term partners and I used the 'pull and pray' method and had MAYBE 4 slipups. However anytime I was as much as 1 day late I would get so excited thinking maybe this is it!!! I have taken so many pregnancy tests for every time my period was ever late or I had sex and thought any precum may have gotten to my eggs, I would test.

I ask myself almost weekly if I had made one decision differently would I be a mom today? Do I even want to be a mom now that I am 3 days from 30 and 'set in my ways' so to speak?

Yes I know I can "borrow" your children and that it's rough being a parent. That I don't even know what tired means now and I should enjoy sleeping in while I still can. I know that it's not easy or cheap or full of awesome moments ALL the time. There's chaos and sickness and attitudes and homework and bathtime and school supplies, clothes, bullies, crazy teachers, overbearing mom friends, and people who judge everything from the brand of diapers you buy to your parenting style.

But those stressful and frustrating moments make the good memories even more cherishable. They make eveything WORTH it. Waking up early to head into a dead end job you hate, getting through a messy divorce, getting laid off, whatever obstacles life throws our way. Your love for your child helps you push through. Gives you hope. Knowing you have to provide for them is a motivation like no other.

Not a lot of people know this but I have wanted to be a mom since I was 18, and that is because I wanted to be a younger parent. My Dad was 45 when I was born. I had 12 precious years with him and selfishly I want more. I know things can and do happen at any age, but I felt like if I had a child at 18 I would have more of an opportunity to spend time with my child than my dad got to spend with me. I was so lonely growing up as I had no siblings. My mom tried to give me a sibling 3x and she lost them all due to miscarriages. I feel a lot of guilt for that because apparently when I was delivered vaginally I should (have been a C section) I ripped her amniotic sac where she was not able to give sufficient nutrients to sustain life after me.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know this but for someome who has been waiting 12 years now to become the mother who has watched her friends and family become, it gets increasingly difficult each year.

I turned 30 yesterday and I stopped taking my birth control in early September and had a withdrawal bleed late September. Then I was 10 days late for my period and I took 3 tests over the course of those 10 days. All were negative I was super bummed even though we weren't necessarily TRYING bc I was thinking ok if Im pregnant now then technically I did get pregnant before 30 and I could announce it at my birthday party. But I wound up spending my birthday with a heavy AF , and a sinus infection lol

Maybe I can try for a Christmas surprise!

I just wanted to share my journey and let someone else going through similar struggles that they're not alone.