I’ve noticed that the past year has been challenging for me. I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and stress. I have a beautiful house, a great car, two adorable dogs, and a great job. I couldn’t figure out why I was so depressed all the time. After bettering everything I could think of, I’ve come to the realization that I’m depressed because I’m married to someone I don’t think I love.

I got married when I was 20 and my husband was 22. We met when I was 17 and he was 19. At the time, I thought he was perfect and I’d love him for the rest of my life. I disregarded everything everyone around me said. They warned me and told me I was too young and I have my whole life to look forward to. Looking back, I feel like I just wanted to prove them wrong. It was more of a challenge and I was so excited to get married.

I don’t think I was ever fully physically attracted to my husband. I just told myself that looks are not everything and his personality is what matters most. Now I find myself wondering what it would feel like if I married someone who I was attracted to. What does it feel like to look at someone and get butterflies in your stomach? And what does it feel like to make love to someone you’re attracted to?

I also realized that when I met my husband, he and I were on the same wavelength with maturity and goals. Three years later, I’ve realized that his goals are very different from mine. I’m ambitious and want much more in life. He is happy with where we are now and can’t imagine why I would want more. When I talk to him about what I want, he gets stressed out and insecure. I’ve also realized after growing up a little bit that I don’t want my parents knowing every detail about our lives. My parents have been great at keeping their distance while still being involved, but not overbearing and intrusive. My in laws, however, are opposite and my husband welcomes it with open arms. I feel like he still needs his parents and hasn’t matured into an independent adult.

The point of this post is really just for me to vent somewhere that is safe. I don’t know what to do or where to go. And at this point, I don’t have a plan. I’d love for things to work out with us, but I just can’t picture myself as a 40 year old woman married to him while being happy. I realized that I have never been able to picture us older. I daydreamed about us being 80 years old in rocking chairs, but never the in between years.

I’ve discovered so much about myself within this past year and I’m so afraid of missing out on my life. If anyone has read this far down, thanks for listening and I’d love to hear your thoughts/suggestions.