For a little over two years I dealt with a man who lied to me about who he was sleeping with, told me he wanted to be with me. He drug me around while I begged him to be my husband. I wanted to marry him so so so badly. I still mourn the loss of this relationship and I’m confused as to why.

I was cheated on consistently through the time we were together. Always told how much he didn’t like aspects of me, that make me me (if that makes sense), called names and accused all the time. He choked me almost till I blacked out one night and threw me on the ground with his hand around my throat another. I knew he was breaking up with me when those instances occurred so I let them go and tried to move on.

Several months later he came back into my life and I begged him to stay. I started paying for plane tickets to go see him again (we were long distance) and being extremely exclusive. When we dated I wouldn’t so much as look at another man because I just wanted the one I was with to love me and not leave me. Most of what I can remember of our relationship is me praying he wouldn’t leave me. I just loved him so so much. I still do but I know he isn’t the one for me. The last time we were together, he had gotten mad at me for having a conversation with our Uber driver. It was completely friendly, but since the driver was a male it was a problem. I called my friend while sitting in an empty bathtub in the bathroom. He barged in and grabbed my hair, pulled me out of the tub and put his hands around my throat again. I remember laying there and I curled up crying. After that all I can remember is me punching him as hard as I could, as many times as I could. He didn’t hit back, but grabbed my hands a couple times. He apologized later, but the damage was done. I knew I couldn’t be with him anymore. I spent the rest of that weekend savoring every moment I had with him. Every I love you, him holding my hand, holding me.

I went to the airport, and at one of my stops there was a guy who came up and started a conversation. Fast forward, I got a hotel and fucked the shit out of him. Called my boyfriend and broke up with him the next day, and brought the new guy home with me. I’ve been dating the new guy for a solid two months now and he is everything I wished my ex would have been for me.

This is just some stuff I needed to get off my chest. I think I’m struggling lately because of it and I just don’t know what to do. I obviously have self worth or I wouldn’t have broken up with him. He was begging me to stay when I did it, and I held my ground and haven’t reached out to him since. So why am I so sad lately? How can I make myself feel better without alcohol or weed. I refuse to do any drugs harder than that because I know my personality. I want to stop using outside sources to make myself feel better, and just be able to deal on my own. I’m having a hard time.