I’m not sure what to call this one.

⚠️This is going to be a long post and warning it covers sensitive subjects.⚠️

In my lifetime I’ve been through a lot and as I’ve gotten older things have gotten a lot better but life always has its moments.

However this post is about my childhood which has led to resentment and PTSD that I’m still trying to work out.

Were going to start from the beginning, I have a cousin that is about 8 months older than me. This cousin and I were forced to grow up together which has led us to being like “sisters”.

Well when we were very young (before I had even turned 8 I was pretty young at the time) this cousin of mine got onto the computer with me while i was playing games and showed me this website that you basically “played porn” it was a website for adults obviously but at the time I didn’t know what it was just that it made me uncomfortable.

After that my cousin would ask me if i wanted to do what they did on the website and basically got into my head and tricked me into doing these acts with her and hide it from the adults.

At the time i thought nothing of it obviously and I didn’t know this was wrong until a few years ago however I subsided it because I didn’t want it effecting my future.

If it wasn’t bad enough I was told when I was in the sixth grade that the adults knew about it but nobody took me out of the situation.

From the point of being told this like I said before I subsided the feelings. About two years after I was told about the adults knowing I went into a really deep depression, the first person I fell really hard for and i had been broken up and I didn’t have any friends that I hung out with outside of school so I just stayed home. Well I met this new guy and he became my boyfriend. In eighth grade relationships aren’t really “real” but he was a really nice guy and i thought he was cool. One day my mom invited him to go to the zoo with us and we had a little date and it was really cute. After that he called me one day and asked me where my mom was and i told him at work and he showed up to my house unannounced.

I left him outside for an hour until I felt bad and I let him in. He kept trying to get me to sit on his lap and do things that at the time “adults did in relationships”

After that I should’ve known that was a red flag but I didn’t know it was wrong and i was extremely depressed and I didn’t really care about myself.

He after this one time would just show up to my house while my mom wasn’t there.

One of the days that he came over he followed me into my room and I was being playful and I went into my closet (which is where I slept because I was uncomfortable in big sleeping spaces) and he followed me and turned off the lights. He started touching me and I told him to stop but he didn’t and he stuck his hand down my pants and then he got a phone call from his dad saying he was getting picked up. And he says “If I didn’t get that phone call I wouldn’t have stopped”

I kept quiet and he even helped me move when I was leaving the state. My mom absolutely loved him but she doesn’t know what happened.

Now I’m a senior in high school and only about a handful of people know about these things. I have gone through PTSD, self harm, self hate, (etc.) and I am in no way shape or form trying to get sympathy. I’m reaching out for help because i have resentment towards my family for not getting me out of the situation i was in, I hate myself for not getting out of the relationship.

After that relationship I was in a long distance relationship where he verbally and mentally abused me, he cheated on me and played mind tricks. This is the person that I mentioned earlier that was my first love. I feel like I’m mentally fucked up.

I will say now that my boyfriend knows about everything in my life including things I did not mention here, he treats me amazingly I couldn’t be happier with a relationship he was my real first kiss I lost my virginity to him and I’ve been with him for a little over two years. And he’s been a great help thanks to him I no longer have anxiety attacks and the PTSD doesn’t really get to me anymore and it’s been a long journey.

I still suffer from anxiety and depression and with these things on my mind recently trying to catch up to me i feel kind of attacked by my own thoughts. For a really long time I loved myself and I’m finding it hard to love myself nowadays and getting out of bed is so difficult again and I really don’t want to get back into that headspace. I don’t know what triggered it sadly and I wish i could just fix my thoughts but I can’t.

Instead of letting this get to me I thought I’d reach out to people that could help me, people that have or even haven’t been through this but know people that have. What did you do when you were in a bad place? How did you help get the peace of mind back? Sometimes i just feel so defeated and I need help getting the pep and motivation and self love back.

I’m sorry for such a long post, but thank you for reading.