I've been having significant and crippling depression that has been growing over the last few months. I struggled hard when I was younger and I did years and years of therapy and I have been off meds and have not struggled with depression for about 10 years. I know what to watch for, how to redirect and avoid getting myself into the cycle that ultimately leads into depression. I have nothing in my life causing me problems and this baby was very much wanted. Nothing is wrong. But everything is.

It has gotten so had I don't even feel excited about the baby. I just feel exhausted and alone. I know the only thing I can do is to start meds but i'm just devastated to have to and that nothing has worked to get me out of this pit i'm in. I hate that even though my dr put me on lexapro which has the best demonstrated safety in pregnancy (although nothing has been studied extensively) that my baby could have withdrawl and respiratory difficulty at birth. It's destroying me to feel like i'm hurting this baby. But untreated depression has shown many risk factors for a developing baby as well. Plus I have to survive and take care of my 2 year old until the baby is born.

Even though I think it's going to be pointless, i've agreed to see a therapist. There isn't anything they're going to tell me that I don't already know, and nothing has been helping. I'm 100% sure this a hormonal and chemical problem that needs medication to respond.

I'm scared about the side effects to the baby, but also to me. I can't deal with anything else right now. And what if they don't work? I don't feel like I can keep hanging on through med tweaks or changes. I just feel so defeated.

Thanks for letting me vent.