Please no bashing.

I literally feel like a piece of shit.

When I was just barely 18, my daughter passed away in my arms. It was the worst day of my life. We had her cremated and made 2 necklaces with just a small amount of her ashes. My husband and I were such disorganized people. Constantly moving, we were both depressed after losing her but we still had to care for our 1 year old. After moving a few times we finally settled into one place. We had to move out of our beautiful 3 bed 2 bath home with 5 acres because it hurt too much to live there after she passed. So we moved into a 2 bed apartment.

We lost one necklace for about 3 months. Then one day going through boxes I found it. I wore mine everyday and my husband couldn’t wear his because of his line of work so it was in his car hanging on the mirror. I took it down and put it somewhere but don’t remember where. The car then got totaled in a different state and we had to leave it behind with the intention of getting it back but we never did. It wasn’t running and we couldn’t afford to get it towed. It ended up being destroyed. I have no idea If it was in the car.

The one I had, I took it off in my daughters room one day and forgot it was there while we were cleaning. That’s the last time I saw it. That was over a year ago and believe me, I’ve gone through the entire house, every box, crack, drawer, etc. it’s gone.

Even though its been a year I feel so guilty. My husband mentioned maybe for Christmas we make new necklaces. He is allowed to wear them now at work and he mentioned getting a box to put them in with a lock on it when we take them off. I told him I want to but I don’t know if I can because I’m a horrible mom already and she probably hates me for losing a piece of her.

What do you guys think? Does this make me bad?