Is it unfair of me to be bitter when I see some of these birth stories? I did not get the birthing experience that I so desperately wanted and I am still very upset about it five months later. Don't get me wrong I am so happy for the ladies that got what they wanted, but I just don't understand why I didn't get to have the birth that I wanted.

I am editing just to tell you all the birthing experience that I wanted vs what actually happened.

I wanted to go into labor on my own and labor at home until I couldn't anymore. I wanted to be able to walk around, take a warm shower, and use massage therapy and the birthing ball for the pain. I did not want any medication including the epidural. I wanted to labor down and then when it was time to push I wanted to use the squatting position to give birth and a mirror to see. Then after he was born I wanted delayed cord clamping and for dad to cut the cord. After that skin to skin for at least an hour.

What really happened. I was 40+6 and still 0cm and 0% effaced so my doctor scheduled an induction because he doesn't let you go over 41 weeks. I went in on Monday June 4th at 8pm. They started Cervidil and after the 12 hours that it has to stay in I was still not dilated, so they give me Cydotec and wait a few hours. Still nothing so they do another. Nothing again so they insert another round of Cervidil. Finally I am at a 2. They start Pitocin. It is now 3am on Wednesday June 6th and I am extremely exhausted. I've been stuck in the hospital bed almost the whole time because they have to keep me on the monitors. I want to sleep, but I am so uncomfortable and I think that maybe if I got the epidural I'll be able to sleep. I am only at a four, but they do it anyway. I was very wrong and now I'm even more uncomfortable because I can pretty much only lay on my back now or only one side will be numb and I can feel the catheter that they have to put in. I just want it all to be over, but we still have a long way to go. I am at a 7 by 10pm and they put the Pitocin to 20 which is the max dose. I try to rest for a little, but soon enough the nurse comes in to check to see if I've dilated more, she also checks the monitors and while she is doing that I feel my water break. I tell her and she says it's probably just the gel, but she checks again anyways and sure enough it was. I am still not fully dilated though so we continue to wait. At around 2am it is finally time to push. My husband is asleep and the nurse has to wake him up. I obviously have to stay on my back because of the epidural. I struggle to push for an hour and the nurse says that they might have to use the vacuum and I definitely don't want that, so I push even harder and 30 minutes later my son is born at 3:27am on Thursday June 7th. Everything seems fine at first besides the fact that his umbilical cord is short and his placenta is small, but then the nurse notices that he is having trouble breathing and not even five minutes after he was born he is taken to the nursery to be put on oxygen. I can't go with him because I am still numb from the epidural and I'm crying because I just want my baby. He stays in the nursery for eight hours and we struggle to nurse. My milk never comes in all the way so I have to give up on exclusively breastfeeding for at least two years and develop PPD. I am still suffering from it and I don't know when or if it will ever get better.