I’m writing this anonymously because I’m ashamed of how I feel about becoming a mom. I’m wondering if something is wrong with me intrinsically or if this is some strange form of PPD or if this is just normal for some people?

I love my son.. but... I don’t even know how to explain this correctly.. this is the first time I’ve tried facing this.... motherhood for me is not what I expected. I expected exhaustion and all of the motherly responsibilities.. but I always thought the love and joy of being a mom would outweigh the mental hardships of being a mom and I’m finding myself feeling...burnt out?

Ugh. I can’t even express myself right. I sound terrible. I really love my son. If I had the choice to go back and not be pregnant or to keep everything the same I would keep everything the same... but emotionally does it get easier? I’m jealous of my husband because he is just loving fatherhood... he plays with our son and makes him laugh. He changes diapers and gets up with him at night (we try to split the duties 50/50) and he helps me with cooking and cleaning.

My husband is amazing. So it’s not even like I’ve taken on more than him. Aside from actually carrying the baby and giving birth my husband and I are pretty 50/50 on everything. I’m blessed and I have so much support and I love my child and I’m pregnant again - and my whole life I always wanted this exact life I’m living- so why do I feel like... so empty? Ive seen other friends wives go through PPD and it was so much uglier and obvious than how I feel. But I do recognize I’m irritable and I’m going through the motions...but I love my son.. that I know for sure... so why don’t I love motherhood? What’s wrong with me? I feel so guilty. I have everything I want and yet.. inside I feel like I’m going through the motions. Like I want a vacation from this life that I’ve always dreamt of.

I feel like I pictured this amazing GLOWING pregnancy but I was vomiting and just so sick the first 8 months- and then had high BP until I was induced early. Then I thought I’d love breastfeeding but I only got 6 weeks off before I went back to work full time and I work in the community so pumping in my car and having to pumped every two hours was exhausting and breastfeeding wasn’t as beautiful as I pictured it. Did I miss my time to bond with my son or are my hormones just not right? I’m just hoping someone has gone through this and can give me hope I’m not a terrible mother.

I love my son but motherhood isn’t as easy for me as I feel like it should be. Especially with such an amazing husband and support I’m embarrassed to reach out to them about how I’m feeling and I’m ashamed.

Edit***

Thank you everyone for your support it truly has helped me feel less guilty and more at peace that this will pass! I want to reply individually to each post but I’m not sure if my replies would show my real name so I hope you see this and know I really appreciate those who commented ❤️❤️❤️❤️