How I cope(trigger warning)

I was raped a year ago, by someone I trust completely. A whole year later, I was able to meet a great person who was so gentle with me and patient. This only way I found I could cope was through Bdsm ( hitting, gagging, tying, wax,etc) I found this as a way for me to trust my sexual partner in a safe environment. The only problem is that he doesn’t want to do it. I’ve explained rules and boundaries and still nothing. He’s basically forcing himself to do it, which doesn’t put me in the mood. I used sex as my coping and I used Bdsm as my escape. I tried explain this to him that this is what I like and he argues that he can’t help but just be “vanilla”. I don’t know what to do with that. The relationship aside from sex is amazing, like a dream. But the need to have sex and be hurt still lingers. It makes me not excited for sex anymore. What should I do? Please someone help