I want to first say, I hope you ladies carry on to deliver healthy little ones in June! Enjoy every new stage in pregnancy that you can! It is such an amazing experience: morning sickness, aches and pains included!

Baby would have been 9 weeks and 4 days along today. Unfortunately, I miscarried my little June 14th baby last night. I’m beyond devastated. I’m hoping that by putting my story out into the universe, it will somehow help place me on the road towards healing, and maybe help another grieving mom to know she is not alone. I already have been blessed with one amazing 2 year old, and this new little angel would have made our little family complete. My husband did not want kids when we got married, but we ended up with our first little surprise anyway (which I was ecstatic about). Despite him feeling this way, he instantly fell in love the first instant he laid eyes on her. She is now the light of his world.

Fast forward to recently, even though he emphatically stated that he did not want another, I was pregnant again with our June baby, due to a change in my cycle and some pretty ideal circumstances all lining up to make this baby. He still had not embraced the idea of me being pregnant again, mostly because of our finances and his love for travel, but I knew, as soon as he saw this baby, he would be in love again, and all would be good like it was last time. This was the baby I was praying for. Even the due date was perfect, since I’m a teacher. I feel very strongly that I do not want our daughter to be an only child. I am from a big family and want her to experience the special sibling bond, as well as have someone to be with her when we are gone, years down the road. God had answered my prayer when he gave us this June baby. When I started going through the miscarriage, first the brown blood, then the incessant back cramping, pink streaks, then red spotting, all leading up to yesterday, I can’t help but wonder why He gave me this gift, but is now taking it away? Yesterday, it all just happened so quickly. I had an ultrasound scheduled at 1 pm, my first one, to try to figure out what was going on. As I was sitting there alone with my two year old in the waiting room, blood just started gushing out. This moment confirmed my worst fears. The nurse called me in, blood streaming down my leg. I was distraught. After cleaning up a bit, I go into the ultrasound room only to find out they they could not find the baby anymore. I was passing everything right then. I have never seen so much blood in my life. After about an hour, my husband came to get my other baby. I just pray I didn’t scar her for life with what I was going through. Even with my husband there, I felt so alone: making appointments for follow ups and a D & C, seeing all the pregnant women in the office, transferring to the ER. He tried to comfort me but just didn’t understand what I was going through. I ended up passing the baby in the ER, my sweet little angel baby who was already so loved. I pray to meet you some day in heaven. The hardest part about this was not seeing my sweet baby too early, or the labor-like contractions I had last night, it is knowing that my husband absolutely does not want another and this little one was my last chance to have a sibling for my oldest. This is what devastates me. I can only hope that God will be so kind and will make a way when there seems like none. I pray that He changes my husband’s heart. I pray that He heals mine. I am thankful for the strong women who have already been through what I am navigating today, especially my best friend and my mother, who give me hope that this is not the end of my journey, just a diversion that will teach me more about love than I’ve known before. I am sorry for the long post, but thank you for reading! My best to all of you and your journey towards making your family complete!