A little over a week ago, I went in for my first OB appointment. Everything looked great, and then they went for a heartbeat. Nothing on the handheld Doppler, nothing on the regular u/s, and then nothing on the transvaginal. I saw my little Bean and it was measuring right on track at 8.5 weeks. The ultrasound tech said that it must have happened recently. My doctor came in and talked to me about my three options (wait, induce, or D&C). It didn’t hit me until I called my husband from the car. I wept for two days.

Now, a week later and I haven’t had any cramping or spotting of any kind, but my symptoms are disappearing. I was insanely nauseous (hospitalized at 5 weeks) and my boobs were sore af, but other than a hint of nausea if I haven’t eaten, I’m okay.

I’m totally in denial, and I know that. I still “feel” pregnant, just not so sick. It’s like I’m torn in two - my rational side and my hopeful side. I know that the doctors were probably right and I lost my baby. But I also can’t shake the feeling that they might be wrong and this baby is still alive.

I have my follow up appointment today and I’m insisting on another u/s. I need to know.

It’s really hard living in this limbo, like one author said, of feeling neither pregnant nor truly unpregnant. No, I haven’t actually lost my baby yet. It’s still inside me. But to know that that part is coming.... how do you handle that? How do you tell people that the reason you’re “handling this so well” is because it’s simple knowledge, and you’re straight up in denial? Miscarriages are so taboo to talk about, but this time in between feels insignificant.

Sorry for the long post. I’m not trying to scare anyone, I’m just tired of living with this all by myself. (Husband has been great, but he’s also a man🤷🏻‍♀️)