During ttc is very stressful and shamefully I get very depressed so I masturbate.

Sometimes I masturbate to porn gifs and I wish I didn’t I’m ashamed and I feel horrible.

I need help. There feels like a barrier in my mind between me and God because I feel like He’s mad with me. Anyone help? Can you pray for me? I need it 😭😭😭😭 everytime I say I’m sorry to God. I have very messed up sexuality because of being violated as a child insestually I know it is not an excuse but orgasm is like a stress relief for me but then I feel shame guilt and grieve straight afterwards I’m ashamed of what I am