WARNING: LONG POST

So I just want to say right off the bat that I love my boyfriend. I do. I would do anything for him, and I have. He’s my first boyfriend (I’ve had romantic interests but none that I actually got into a relationship with) and so this is all new to me. He is the sweetest, kindest person I know. The reason I’m writing this is that I’m not sure I love him like he loves me. You know those butterflies, a nerves you get around someone you like? I’ve never gotten those with him. My heart never beat so fast it felt like it was going to break right out of my chest. Aren’t I supposed to be feeling this? Is that love?

When I’m with him everything is calm, and that’s necessarily a bad thing. When everything in my life is a mess, he’s there for me. I feel content. I feel safe. I’m loved. He makes me laugh so hard. He makes me feel confident. My self esteem has actually gone up since dating him. He makes me everything besides the cliche sparks/electricity/earth shattering feelings I’m told I should be feeling. Those became cliches for a reason, you know?

He talks about our future like he could touch it. A house, kids, dogs, marriage. And sometimes I can touch them too. I’ll look at places with him, show him rings I love, fantasize about how we’d raise our kids. I already know what wedding venue we both want! And then sometimes, all of that seems astronomically terrifying. The thought of it all will bring me to tears because I know how much he sees a future in us, a long one, and I can’t always picture it with him.

I want to mention a few other things. I’m still a Virgin and he is so patient with me. He says I don’t ever have to have sex if I don’t want to (I’m on the asexual spectrum) and he’d be okay with that as long as he got to stay by my side. (Jesus, I’m literally crying as I write all this). I also think the idea of a future terrifies me because, to me, futures end. Marriages start off happy, and then they fall apart with no warning. What if this is my warning?

These feelings of restlessness usually show up every three weeks or so. In between these moments, I am happy. So goddamn happy. People gush over us as we gush over each other. But when the moments come, they’re crippling. I don’t know what to do. I’d rather die than hurt him.

He’d be an amazing husband and an even better father. But I’m so young (I’m 21 and he’s 25). And he’s my first boyfriend. And my best friend. And I love him, but sometimes I’m not sure about us. I don’t feel with the intensity that he does. That other people do. I’m content and happy. Most of the time.

I love him. I’d do anything for him. I want to keep him in my life. But is that enough? I’m dying.