Tomorrow is thanksgiving here in the US. I’m with my two kids and my husband. It’s been three years since we’ve made the trek to his family many states away from home. This will be our first time bring our second son. And I’m carrying our 3rd.

I’m already really overweight without the baby. But I hadn’t gained a thing. Morning sickness. Now, I’m suddenly showing. Like this week. And my morning sickness has faded. I traded it for insomnia and headaches and no sex drive.

It’s been three years and I always struggle with the in-laws and my husband’s extended family. They are good folks generally. But I’m always the fat girl. I’m always the frumpy one chasing her two boys. I’m not a super girlie girl to begin with. I have crazy frizzy thick curly hair that I have to straighten to wear down which helps hide how round my face is. I hate wearing makeup. But I do for events like tomorrow so I don’t loom so terrible around the cousins and aunts who despite cooking all day manage to look fantastic.

I got to see my mom briefly and she just raved at how great I’m looking pregnant. How I’m showing. She can tell. I’ve only felt like a beached whale at only 13 weeks. I’m just wearing maternity because it helps me look more pregnant. It made me feel like I can do this thing with my in-laws and his family. Hold my fat face high.

But tonight, I’m hot and don’t wanna straighten my hair and the thought of getting the kids out the door, my husband, and fixing the messy hair and the makeup and trying to look less huge while still being the fat girl he picked who is pregnant, I’m struggling. What’s worse? I’m hungry. Like I only ate once today and now I’m crazy hungry again.

Doesn’t help that on this trip my husband isn’t in the same bed and sex has been non existent for over a month. Doesn’t help me feel great about my growing body.

And this week the morning sickness has faded and we’ve eaten out constantly on the road. I feel like I’ll gain 10 pounds and my OB will be mad.

Guess I’m just feeling very insecure. Gotta face a lot of family who can say things or feel differently about the world than I do. We raise our kids differently. View discipline differently, and I have to stay on my kids constantly with his family bc they rarely see them and don’t know their personalities. I’d like to not feel ugly too.